Episode 11

July 14, 2022

00:43:04

Communication Crisis (Frank Milstead)

Hosted by

Tony Siebers
Communication Crisis (Frank Milstead)
Parent Projects
Communication Crisis (Frank Milstead)
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Show Notes

Join Col(R) Frank Milstead, former Director of Public Safety for the State of Arizona and career law enforcement officer as we talk about his Parent Project and how communication styles impact our projects.
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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 00:00:06 You're listening to parent projects. Speaker 2 00:00:10 Hey everybody. And welcome to this week. Show the podcast where we are gonna have Frank Mills of leadership forward GPS. I was one GPS director, uh, discussing with us crisis communication from a distance building awareness of managing mom and dad's, uh, parent project. When you might be out of town and some privacy issues to know, and to be aware of upfront. Ultimately our hope is that this is gonna help you before and after a crisis. And the show gets started right now. Speaker 1 00:01:03 You're listening to parent projects, a family media and technology group production. Now here's your host, Tony Seeber. Speaker 2 00:01:12 Hey everybody. And welcome to this. Week's, uh, B broadcast of the show. And I am just, we're blessed to have, uh, Colonel Frank Milstead, uh, former director of Arizona, DPS with us today, uh, a consultant in the law enforcement arm from issues and, and leadership in law enforcement down to understand the same privacy concerns, but generally also somebody with a parent project and a reachable person, regardless of all of this training and amazing stuff. Hey, uh, Frank, thank you so much for joining us. Speaker 4 00:01:41 Thanks for having me, Tony. I appreciate it. Uh, again, being a, a, a student of, of all of these things throughout my 35 year career in law enforcement, and then having parents grow old, uh, at the same time, it's, uh, it's an honor to be here to be able to share some information. Speaker 2 00:01:58 Well, I, I appreciate you helping us make it real. Uh, there's so many times, and, and maybe you've even felt it where as soon as you jump into it, our members will tell us it just, they felt like they were by themselves. It was like, it was the first time anybody had ever done it. Uh, they look out into the internet and it's a big wide blue ocean of information and can become pretty overwhelming. So, uh, I think this is gonna be really valuable for us to start honing in on some conversations maybe in and around crisis, where you've you had a ton of training, right? Tell, tell us a bit about, tell us about the training that you bring to bear in your own parent project, but just end of life. What are the, the types of things that Frank Milsted, uh, has, has been trained on when it comes down to conversations? Speaker 4 00:02:40 Well, I think it all started when I was a Neo fight, Phoenix police officer back in 1985, and we learned, uh, interpersonal skills and communication. We called it verbal judo back then, uh, how to, how to talk back and forth with somebody, uh, uh, how to speak quietly when somebody's, you know, very excited to try to bring the, the, you know, the, the room down the, the volume down, the temperature down. Um, and then it was problem solving skills. It was, um, you know, my time at Phoenix PD, the 25 years I spent there, it was a PhD and leadership and, and problem solving. It was how do you take, uh, community problems, uh, neighborhood problems, uh, domestic problems. And how do you break those down into pieces that people can understand, uh, and, and maybe have just that little bit better of life because they have information they didn't have before Speaker 2 00:03:28 Very completely. And I think the city of Phoenix, what an amazingly diverse group of people, uh, that sit within, I, I I've been here for what, almost 15 years. I have met less than I could count on my fingers. How many people I've met from Phoenix, almost everybody comes from someplace else. Speaker 4 00:03:46 Well, you can count me border Speaker 2 00:03:47 Rage. <laugh> okay. That's right. In fact, I think your, if I remember from when we met rotary years ago, your dad was a DPS, uh, director was involved in law enforcement, too, right? Speaker 4 00:03:59 Yeah. My dad did 20 years at Phoenix PD from 60 to 80 and 1980 governor BT appointed him to be the DPS director. And he stayed there for, uh, 10 years. And then after the impeachment of Mika, he went to work with rose Mo on her cabinet and helped her with those issues. So I kind of followed in his footsteps. I just took a different little path. I did Phoenix for 25. I went out to Mesa's the chief for five years. And then governor Ducey appointed me in, uh, 2015 to be the DPS director. Speaker 2 00:04:25 Yeah. Well, in brother, I just, I, I know in, in a military sense and in my BA last background in, in law enforcement too, you don't always know how to answer this, but I'll put you on the spot or not answer it. Uh, but I'll put you on the spot to say, and thanks you, thank you for the commit to the service of that. It's an insanely insanely difficult job. Uh, and just to know, you've got an entire family that's committed to it over time and just ha hat, really hat talk to you guys. And thanks so much for being there for Speaker 4 00:04:53 Us. It's been the honor of my life. And, um, you know, I've, I don't think the job has ever been more difficult than it is today, um, for the young men and women who wanna serve and give back to their communities. Um, uh, the fact that the media will not look at police work in its aggregate and say, you know, day in and day out, these women and men do incredible things. Yeah. But instead, trying to look at a couple bad things that happened and, uh, try to betray that as the norm normal part of policing, and it's just not Speaker 2 00:05:22 Well. And, and so their comes even the media itself, I find is a different form of communication, right? Uh, different people come into conversations. They've got different things that are important, Tim, at that, to them at that point in time to media, they're looking to either sell and they're thi it's a business. And, and I'm not to knock from that end because it's obviously a needed business has a role in society. But, um, but it oftentimes what it means out of a conversation isn't in the best interest of every party that's involved in that conversation. Correct. And I think, I think we see that it's, it's, it's becoming more, it's becoming easier to see that in, in media. And I think in public media, especially, uh, social media in particular, it's hard to see it sometimes in our family when we're recognizing that. I mean, how you, um, collision of, let's say that your family for the most part probably comes from a similar culture. Uh, there, there's obviously gonna be exceptions to that of, of families that have blended and come together, but just in an age group alone, problem solving how you solve a problem, talking about solving a problem with a 21 year old versus a problem with an 81 year old. What, what are the types of things that a law enforcement officer is going to use when saw arriving in a situation of something that maybe a family member could just think of? Speaker 2 00:06:48 Okay, I'm gonna see if they can grab Frank's audio back in, and we're gonna take just a second to come back in and see a, uh, a sponsor from our sponsor of manna house coffee. Hey guys, uh, this is Tony at the parent projects podcast. And if you are powered by coffee, the way that I'm powered by coffee, I think you'll appreciate knowing a way that you can help the last lost and least of us that didn't have a great transition. You see the refuge coffee company is a social enterprise operated by Catholic charities of central and Northern Arizona, where they use this coffee and this business model to help homeless veterans at the mana house, transitional community. Get back on their feet, help a veteran, turn a handout into a hand up by giving them the opportunity to earn your business purchase coffee today at the refuge, az.com. Speaker 2 00:07:39 That's the refuge az.com. If you order six or more bags, shipping will be free. And if you tell 'em that parent projects sent you, I'm gonna send you a travel coffee mug. Thank you again. And let's get back to the show and times are always exciting, uh, with technology, we're gonna, uh, try to ramp this in one more time. It, it looks like he's gonna try to join us, uh, separately, come back out and come back in, you know, one, one of the things, uh, that we're E excited to, um, to think about, uh, is, is that there? Well, you know what, I'm gonna pause off of that and Frank, we'll see if we got you. Speaker 4 00:08:25 Yeah, I'm back. I don't know. Again, I don't know what happens, Tony, but I'm back. So Speaker 2 00:08:28 That's OK. That's OK. Uh, okay. So we, uh, we were talking to, uh, when, when we lost it, we're talking about different styles between people, uh, mainly of age groups to start maybe in a family as they trying to solve problems. And what's interesting is a lot of the tools we have are actually created by people, my kids' age and their twenties, and, uh, apparently Twitter doesn't solve, you know, problems really well <laugh> and, and it might not be the best place to go tips and tools when you're walking in and you, you're trying to deescalate a situation. What are some things you could think of that are really valuable that you really held onto from your law enforcement side, Speaker 4 00:09:08 The quieter you get, the quieter they get. Um, and everybody in the room, whether they intuitively know it, they're looking for someone to break the atmosphere and to change the dynamic, cuz nobody normally wants to stay in a, in a hospital environment. They don't wanna continue to, to yell and scream or, and, and sometimes you just have to go through the motions of what needs to be done and pull somebody aside and talk to them quietly. So people, other people are interested, but it, it really is that you are the calm and you are the face of calm. You're true north in that room. And, and just to, to not get caught up in that moment. Speaker 2 00:09:49 Yeah. And so let's say, have you, um, let's say you get caught up in that moment. You have a difficult time, great ways to, to great time. Would you I'm sure you'd agree to dismiss yourself from it. Speaker 4 00:10:02 Absolutely. Take a break, step outside, walk around the block. Uh, come back. Um, and you know, we talk about the aging process and we talk about taking care of our, our elderly parents, uh, you know, as they pass or go into hospice or maybe they just need assisted living. Um, all of those things are emotional. And I think the key to all of it is to try to communicate with all of those parties that are involved. Um, don't look at it as that you're trying to, um, control their life moving forward, but you're really trying to help them manage their life moving forward. Yeah. Uh, and include your siblings or other spouses, uh, that, that are involved in that situation and try to have those family meetings, those team meetings and, and, and be inclusive. Uh, you may be the matriarch or the patriarch of your family, and it's kind of, it's kind of, uh, intuitive that you take that lead position, but it has to include everyone else to make sure that that stays level set. Speaker 2 00:10:57 You know, I, um, I, I love that there is, uh, one technique that I remember, um, just really in the top of my mind that comes and the first is in, in being light on yourself, it's okay to feel emotional when something's first coming that first wave of emotion when they come at you, see it accept it. It's okay to get there. It's usually based off of a past experience or something that sits there, what you do with that emotion or what you, you know, what you choose to respond to or what you don't respond to really becomes most critical. And, uh, and there is a great, so there's an article this week, uh, that we have, um, that, that we've been highlighting. And, uh, and we'll throw that in. It's when the communication styles divide aging parents, uh, and adult children, one of the, the top things that Howard Steven was talking about at next avenue in this, and he pulled together a couple of great authors, uh, was that oftentimes you don't have to, not everything is cause for action when you're running into it, right. Sometimes, um, it's just destructive to run into, have to do it, uh, the use of a pregnant pause. Uh, it even in, in dealing with my children. One thing I think about is when they ask me a question that could go south, I've learned to say, why do you ask instead, instead of running into that, man, that's insanely valuable with my parents too, when they're, when they're emotional and when something's going. And, uh, and I don't always, I'm always have it together. I'm, I'm not, I'm definitely not always, right. Speaker 4 00:12:31 No. And you know, the, and, and I, I just went through this in my personal life. My, my stepfather just passed away just a few weeks ago and my him and my mom had been together for 37 years. Uh, so it was, uh, I, I, and I joke, and I hope nobody takes this wrong, but I always say she had time served. She, I mean, he was a good guy, but he was a challenge many, many times <laugh>. And, um, and, but it doesn't matter, you know, how we looked at it from the outside, the inside is that was who she was with for the last 37 years. And yeah, and he was kind of the guy who took charge and made things happen in the house. So as he was slipping further and further away, and hospice came into our lives, that communication with, with his children and, and myself and, and my sisters, uh, we, it was very collaborative. Speaker 4 00:13:17 Everyone kind of got along and everyone kind of knew the mission at hand, but as uncomfortable it is, somebody has to sit down and ask those hard questions about, you know, where's the life insurance policy who pays the bills. How do you get your credit card statements? Uh, and again, you're not trying to control anything. You're just trying to help the other half manage it because they're going to go through grieving, uh, and, and loss. And, and, and that, that piece of, of just missing having somebody there with them every day, uh, and you wanna make sure that the, that everything that life continues to go forward, uh, in its natural state, Speaker 2 00:13:53 Right. I, I, I think that's probably one of the first, uh, one of the first collisions I saw in doing senior move management, uh, comes particular, comes particularly when we would have cases where it was a death of one of the spouses and the kids come in and they just wanna keep life moving for mom. At some point in time, they're actually probably not solving the E they're not, not looking to solve a problem necessarily at that moment. They're just trying to keep things moving, and then they'll come back to it when grief is done, but everybody brings a different perspective. Uh, and one of the, one of my favorite perspectives to share off of this was where, uh, one, one of my clients was coming from, I, I had a client once who was explaining why it was so difficult for him to accept his kids coming in his wife died. Speaker 2 00:14:42 He didn't know how to cook. He had a legitimate problem. He had no idea how he was gonna eat for the next week and a half once really once all the food that came in for the funeral, like went away. And that was his, that was kind of his game plan for the next, next couple weeks. But he actually broke it down for me. And he said, you know, one of the difficult things is my kids have no idea who I am. I, you know, the first 18 years of their life, they saw the best version of me. And they saw what I wanted them to see of me and who I wanted them to see of me. And then they've been gone for 45 years doing their own thing, and I've been me <laugh>. So Speaker 4 00:15:17 That's how, and, you know, in this next phase that I'm kind of going through now. It's just been a few weeks with my mom is, um, they, they're not, she's not a technology person. I had to go out and get her a new phone, and I put her on my Verizon account. And then she writes passwords down on a scrap of paper somewhere and puts it in a drawer. And every time I ask for a password to the alarm or to the, uh, personal, like emergency assist button, she gives me the same passcode and it's never right. And, and, and, and so I, I actually called my sister and I said, Hey, I said, we have to, we have to take control of this. This piece of it is let's set up the, I don't care if it's a Netflix account or it's, uh, whatever it is, you, you know, put, put, put those things into your life so you can manage 'em for them. So they don't have to worry about it. And, and I'm not saying cut 'em out, but help them keep track of things that they, they don't keep track of. Well, I mean, um, my, you know, my mom's voicemail is always full on her phone. I go, mom, do you know how to get your voicemail? Well, she says, yes, but the answer was really, no, I don't know how to do that. So I don't listen to 'em, you know, so it's, it's just some of those little things. Speaker 2 00:16:25 Right, right. And, and coming and approaching those in a way that, that they're staying in control of the majority. They're, you know, allowing them to drive as much as possible until they recognize, ah, I'm not able to keep up on that. It's good to ask them. Do you understand how to do this when they walk through something like that, given them that safe space to be able to show, ah, yeah, I don't, I don't understand how that's done. Uh, and then I, I think you'll, we find so much more success with being able to step up and help 'em in those times, Speaker 4 00:16:56 And my mom's still driving and she started driving more. Now that she's not at home taking care of him. Yeah. She's kind of, uh, free to roam the country. And I, and again, I'm probably a bad son cuz I go, mom, I go, when you drive, do a lot of people honk at you or anything like that. And she, she looks at me and goes, and she says, Frankie, stop that. That's not true. And I go, Hey, I'm just checking. I wanna make sure you're doing okay. Cuz you know, she's 82 years old. And, and I don't, I mean, I don't know what she's missing, but it, it does concern me a little bit. Speaker 2 00:17:23 It, I, and that's a, that's a normal thing. You, there was um, Ashton apple white is an author that writes on these things and she's big statistics is a, a big stuff. She started putting into it. She wanted to look at the numbers, you know, 4%, uh, of people over the age of 65 were ending up in nursing homes, just 4%, 96% not going to nursing homes, right? Seven outta eight of us, about 90% of us. Our brain's gonna be good all the way through these. These are the real numbers that they look through and about. Um, I wanna say, uh, well, I guess that comes down into, uh, to the expense of stuff, but in general, another big one I remember that stood out was, uh, just it's 3% of people over the age of 65, end up having a very expensive medical problem at the back end, a lot numbers wise again to the media, what the media might push or where different things might come here, it can drive us to be fearful, right. It's good to be alert and aware, but I think having those coming in with that calm presence, uh, being able to do those assessments before we jump into it and not just taking one person or some neighbor's actions as, as our situation, a huge part of that. Um, Speaker 4 00:18:32 And I think you're right. I think it, it, it takes, uh, to understand what's going on, but eventually, and I know this day's probably coming for my mom. She's pretty stubborn, uh, is eventually I we'll have to make a hard decision for her. And, and do we leave her alone in a house with, you know, or do we, you know, kind of force her into to that, that next level of care. Speaker 2 00:18:52 Yeah. Yeah. Well, and those are driving. I, I think what we all hope to do is have that hope to have that magical conversation. That's the next talk, right? From birds and bees to that, you know, what, what is, what is your trigger? What, when do you think would be the time you, when you'd expect us to act, and then when is the time you wanna start talking about it and then seeing if, if, if that actually aligns up and there's really enough time in there to plan and do everything that has to be done between those two timelines, Speaker 4 00:19:21 You know, that's something that I haven't done. And I think when you said that, Tony, that's a great question. Hey mom, Hey dad, what's the trigger for you that you think you need help? Is it that you can't feed yourself that you can't bathe yourself enough? Is it, uh, that you, you know, that you, that you're losing track of stuff, you're forgetting things. And those, those are all those questions. You have to have. The other thing that I would recommend, uh, as a, as an adult, you know, kid, who's got parents that are aging, is that like, I've already taken my mom to a place to show her what assisted living looks like. I mean, she thinks of it as some room that's dark and Dr. And drab. And, and I take her to the place and it's like living on a cruise ship. I mean, you know, they feed you whenever you wanna feed there. There's movies, there's activities. There's anything she wants to do, but, and I will tell you this, she had no interest in going, but at least she knows what it's like now. And, and we've started to have that conversation. And I think we can grow from there. And it's not like it just happened overnight and we flipped a switch on her. Speaker 2 00:20:18 So, and that that's specifically into the article off of this week, that is the complaint that, uh, that the woman being interviewed by the author. That's, that's what her major complaint was, was they just kind of threw up the first flag that they might want to do that initial. Look that read ahead on the situation and kids ran. I mean, they just ran with it and started putting the program. Well, it's gotta happen. It's gotta run now. Right. And a big lesson learned, I pulled off of that, which is a real thing, comes back to this conversation again, that the reality is there's business out here. Senior living is business. It's real business. There are going to be pressures to buy. There are gonna be pressures to buy now and to work now and to go through those things. And so being able to almost be, you know, be on your family's side and their advocate in that, so that they're going forward getting to see everything and then keeping the pressure back and away from them so that they then can circle back around on their time. Hopefully realistically though, sometimes that doesn't happen and you have to step in. That's just, Speaker 4 00:21:19 And if they're living on Medicare and social security, uh, you, you've gotta familiarize yourself with that. And I've learned things already on that avenue is that, you know, when one of those people pass away, that's on social security. Whoever has the bigger number, social security coming in, that other person can adopt that number, right with a death certificate and working with the social security administration Speaker 2 00:21:40 Would that adopt. Speaker 4 00:21:41 And then when you look at the, the care facilities, they're very expensive. Uh, and you know, you have to look at what assets are there, what the family can put in to supplement what goes on. Uh, there's a lot of challenges that go along with that move. Um, and, and I think the other part of it is, you know, like, and I'll go back to my mom, she's 82, but, you know, she could live another 10 years and at, you know, at $4,000 a month, uh, with a $1,800 a month income off of social security, that gets to be a challenge. And that, you know, you figure $24,000 a year that you're you're, you know, the Delta is you'll go through, you know, a few hundred thousand dollars relatively quickly. Sure. So, you know, you need to understand all of those parameters and realize is that they could outlive their funds and their money. And, and eventually that could fall back on you and my mom wants to, you know, I, my mom doesn't wanna live with me yet. And that's good. Speaker 2 00:22:38 I tell you, there are a few circumstances I've actually seen that works really well in. Uh, but, but just in, in America, it's hard to do that, but you know, you, you start having the conversations early enough. I mean, really early enough, Frank, you start think, I mean, there's long term care. There's insurance plans, there's products, there's a whole world that can open up to you that can assist a plan for all of those things. But it does come down to, you know, when you're able to have those conversations and become aware. Speaker 4 00:23:06 And are you linked in that as if I, if I come in or I recommend someone comes in, uh, the parents projects have those links and can identify some of those avenues that I can approach. Speaker 2 00:23:15 Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, so from a, from a parent project's perspective, our senior moves our senior moves product and we'll, you know, walk out. I appreciate you throwing that one on, uh, cuz we'll take a look at it here in a second, but it's designed to talk to you about those steps as early as possible. And yeah, it does. It could connect you to people who can talk you through those. Honestly, a lot of us while we're dealing with our parents right now. And uh, it's one of the best opportunities for us to start thinking about how we're gonna do it. A hundred percent of us are gonna die, right? A hundred percent of us are gonna die. Um, we're we, we're all, um, we're blessed if we have that opportunity to set that up and let that generally to, to ensure that we've got, uh, all the materials and everything in place to do that without going into family is what is kind of that American way. When you look at how other countries have dealt with this, they really tend to value what comes out of the family, stepping up. And it's not considered so much a burden as some really valuable things that come out of it too. Those are conversations. They get to come out of all of this, um, you know, multigenerational stuff, but, Speaker 4 00:24:21 And using your senior Moo problem project program, a parent can actually map that out and do a lot of that stuff ahead of time. And you know, and, and this brings up an interesting topic cuz you and I have been talking about the, uh, uh, slow, uh, change in a person's mental health or psychological personal health and, and actually passing away slowly. Yeah. But there are that, you know, people die suddenly too. They don't wake up, they get in an accident they fall. And that sudden death is a, is another completely different challenge to deal with because you haven't had any time to plan. So if there is a product, there is something that you can do for yourself to make everybody else's life easier, but you know, follow that program. Speaker 2 00:25:00 Well with, I look without a doubt, that's exactly what we set out to do. So the, the market, uh, and we, we saw was just absolutely full of people, um, that would talk to people and try to get you to go out and do this because, because you should do this and it makes sense to go do this, but people, people don't buy and don't do what they need. They do win and buy what they want. Right. Speaker 4 00:25:21 Well, no one wants to think about dying. Speaker 2 00:25:23 They, they apparently that right. But, but they, um, it, it really, what we learned is that we, we focused, I'm an emergency management guy, right? I mean, that is, that's kind of where my specialty has been. And what, when we applied that mindset here, I recognize that is one of the best opportunities to help people is when that just happened, we call 'em catalyst, right? So it's a latent life divorce. It's a death of one of the family members, it's debt. They have hit that point where they've outspent or about to outspend what savings they have. It's a new diagnosis of a disability then impacts how they do what are called their ADLs or active their adult, um, act daily, living activities of daily living there, it goes of their activities of daily living, brushing their own teeth, right? Taking care of themselves, combining their hair, uh, uh, being able to toilet themselves, those types of things. Speaker 2 00:26:13 Um, those, these are catalysts that do force us to get involved. And honestly, we've focused on catching those people with a checklist that is time tested and it utilizes machine learning, uh, in order to understand, Hey, this is your situation. Generally, these are the things that you should be looking at. And by the way, these are the things you can help learn for it. We'll pull them in when you get to that task. And it just, it helps keep you focused and communicate about it with your family. But I, because you did and you threw it out, I think it's a good time for us to take that last break. And, uh, we're gonna jump over to it and see what's coming for us because we indeed deed, we, we completed this, this week. We launched people into our beta this week. Uh, and so we've got, we've got 50 families that are coming into, uh, the beta product to work through. And then in October, a full commercial launch through Phoenix and then a national push. So we're pretty excited about it, but don't, we take a break real quickly and we'll push over to see, uh, the senior moves connect. Speaker 2 00:27:33 Hey everybody. And, um, we're back it's, uh, Tony Seebers, I've got Frank Milsted, uh, on a career law enforcement officer, um, also a son and, uh, and, and just like every one of us, uh, has an opportunity for a parent project and works with those parent projects. And we've been talking about up till now, crisis communications, the difference in those things, building some awareness, how to handle those things when they first come down, what we're gonna really land the airplane today, uh, with, um, some of those, some of those things that you can do with, um, with law enforcement or with emergency services in particular, if you've got a family member, uh, you know, um, that maybe, uh, maybe they live outta state or they live across town, you know, what is, what is in, in law enforcement or emergency services go there? What are some things you, we can be doing Frank, uh, ahead of time. Uh, and then when they're there, what are things, uh, I guess let's start with ahead of time. What are things that, that a family could do to prepare a household that when law enforcement or, you know, emergency services show up to deal with the situation, um, they can become aware of you, how to get ahold of you or what needs to happen. Speaker 4 00:28:51 Yeah. So, you know, there's a couple problems, especially when your parents live in a different state or at least, you know, they're 50 miles away from you, um, and you can't be there and they're alone. And, you know, I worry about this again with my own mother falling and the fire department coming. And, and who does she deal with? Well, um, you know, I think even if you do something just as simple as take a, a, a notebook and put emergency contact information and leave it on the counter, you know, something that's, uh, available, somebody might see when they come in the door, there's a table with, with information on it. And I would say if you, if you live outta state or you're, you're in a remote part, um, when you're out visiting, try to go by that fire department, uh, and, and talk to somebody, uh, maybe you find out who the deputy is, or the, the police officer that routinely patrols that area and see if you can build some kind of relationship there as well. Speaker 4 00:29:42 And there's all kinds of, um, products, electronic products on the market. Uh, I know I have my mom hooked up. I, I, not only can I, but my sister can see who comes to her door through the doorbell. She has a button if she falls and can't get up, it alerts the fire department and they respond, but it also alerts us, uh, so we can know what's going on as well. And yeah, it's a little strange that, like, I know it, it, but it gives me a little bit of peace of mind cuz she's, I know she's alone, but like when she leaves in the car, I know she's out driving when, when someone comes and delivers something, I know they're there. If someone is coming to the door that shouldn't be there, I would know that. So I think some of those products are really helpful and it's not like it's cameras inside where you're spying on them. And it's a privacy thing. It's more of just awareness thing of what's going on around the perimeter of the house and that, you know, that your mom or your loved one is coming and going, uh, at the same time. But if you can build relationships, if you can leave that data somewhere where somebody can easily find it to contact you, I think that's paramount. Speaker 2 00:30:37 Uh, that's fantastic. And, and actually when I sit and think about some of those, especially the doorbells in electronic doorbell areas that, I mean, obviously if you see the fire department breaking a door down or somebody kicking a door and you know, there's gonna be a situation to deal with, you can communicate in many of them back into law enforcement instantly. Right? Speaker 4 00:30:56 Yep. I can talk to the, I can talk to the camera. I can unlock and unlock her front door. If she leaves it open, I can lock it remotely from the phone. I mean, there's just so much technology out there today that, uh, we can really benefit from Speaker 2 00:31:09 Now with, with that said, um, introduction of technology, uh, you know, that's, that can be problematic right. In my own parent project. There's, there's only so much, uh, the cable company in her, in her little town, down in Kansas for my mother-in-law, uh, they, they, they called it quits and, and said, okay, everybody you're gonna have to go to enter. So everybody in town's gone to this internet based television, they're doing Netflix and they're doing, you know, whatever it might be. My goodness. Uh, you know, she's got a, a little streaming stick. That's got all those services on it, but making, I, I, I think that did it in so many different ways, complex menus and working through she, she essentially is like, like I need a button and let it turn on something that looks like a TV. Right. Um, you know, those are, uh, we do have to be cautious off of that. So they're informed and know what's going on, but, uh, be reading our family members, I think, as to what they can handle in technology, uh, and what, and what they can't. Speaker 4 00:32:09 But, you know, and if you take that kind of to the next, um, meaningful place with the technology is yeah. Um, again, and I hate to refer back to my mom, cuz she, if she watches this she'll hate me. She'll like, I can't believe you've said these things about me, but she called me Speaker 2 00:32:24 Mom. You raised an amazing young man. So speaks highly. Does you speak Tilly of you off camera? So I think, Speaker 4 00:32:30 Well, I always refer her as the producer cause I know without her, this doesn't happen. So, um, but uh, you know, she said, Hey, there's some money missing from my account. There was some overdraft, there was this. Yeah. Uh, you know, even the technology, she has it cycles off of a credit card. Where does that credit card bill go? Who pays that credit card? Um, yeah. Is it something that she's used to, or is that something that her, her, her, you know, her husband took care of. Um, and, and again, getting your, uh, name, you know, a couple family members names or, or bringing her assets into your bank or whatever it is just so if you can help her manage that or help them manage what goes on or God forbid something bad happens to them that you now have access to take care of the issues that need to be taken care of. Speaker 2 00:33:15 Yeah. Yeah. Those are, those are wonderful trick. We we've talked about those at different different episodes with various folks along the way that have definitely, um, been proponents of, of doing that. If you can be added onto the account, if family members are good and when you're working with them as part of their solution, if they would've come to you and said, Hey, well, my mother-in-law she's like, ah, you know, I, uh, I'm getting all this stuff from a, a R P and I'm overwhelmed and I'm not quite sure what insurance is, what ins, what, what did I buy and what am I supposed to do? Cause cuz that all by the way, hit when, um, when, uh, uh, um, social security and Medicare and medic, you know, all that stuff's happening at the same time. Right. And so that's just, that's a lot of information for them to be able to take in at one time. And so they asked, Speaker 4 00:34:04 Yeah, it's a lot for any of us. Speaker 2 00:34:06 Yeah. Without a doubt. I mean, how many of us were, I mean, I, I think I was blessed to get, to see my parents go through the sign up the whole 65, 67 Medicare. Like when do you sign up? When do you not sign up? If you don't, you have to make an election or else you pay a penalty for the rest of your life. Right? If you, if you, if you don't hit it a certain time, like there's real ramifications to that. And there's not a lot of great communication engaging and helping a family member, just walk through their system is a great way for us to understand what needs to happen in our situations too. So Speaker 4 00:34:41 Right. And then you put 'em on an iPad or a tablet and you know, you've got all the fishing issues going on with people trying to scam them for information. And, and if you, if you're looking at your parents' banking records or your loved one's banking records, at least you can see if there's suspicious thing activity happening. You may not be able to sit there and understand what they're doing, why they're doing it. Um, you know, I've heard the stories where people, uh, want to be benevolent. They want to give everybody a hundred bucks who calls for whatever the, the, the issue is, you know, whether it's veterans or police or dogs or cats or whatever. Um, and they, but they, they, they just wanna be benevolent. And next thing you know, they're really overextending themselves, but someone has to track that. And then like the internet is just such a horrible place to get caught, uh, in, in what they're doing. They, or they get that phone call, Hey, this is the power company. And if you don't pay us right now, we're gonna shut your power off. Uh, yeah. People fall from that. Speaker 2 00:35:31 Well, or the scams of, you know, Hey, this is a grandchild. Right. And, uh, and they're in that place where they can't exactly recall what the grandchild's voice is or isn't, so they'll go with it. And they're able to see the grandchildren from social media platforms of where they're connected and put that together. So, um, tho those, those are important things. So in, in scams and protecting particularly about that, because it is, it can be while we, we put off, you know, some of those statistics that, that Ashton apple white had looked through of where people will keep it together, they'll have some level of balance to be able to do it. They're not gonna end up in nursing home. So the reality is privacy. Um, and, and being attacked online, uh, has changed a lot. And if, if they're having a hard time keeping up with that tool and that technology, it seems to, it seems that they're becoming more vulnerable. Um, may maybe not just cuz they can't communicate about it, but it's BEC or think through it it's because it moves so quickly. They haven't had time to think through it and how fast that scam comes at 'em does that make sense? Speaker 4 00:36:33 Yeah, absolutely. You know, and, and I'm not here to endorse anybody, but you know, the fact that we're talking about doing things in Arizona, uh, in our Arizona heritage and background, you know, one of the premier providers is an Arizona company called LifeLock who can help track your expenses and have the, the stealing of your identity. Uh, and I don't know anybody over there. I know they've hired law enforcement and I've met the guy that runs the place. So I don't have any, any skin in the game, but I know they've been around a long time and I know they've become very sophisticated at what they do and, and that's whatever that monthly fee is that might be worth protecting somebody's assets. Speaker 2 00:37:05 Absolutely. Well it, or, or different things. One thing for sure it had come up in an earlier one is make sure you lock your parents' credit off. Right? It's, it's an easy thing to do. The three credit bureaus lock 'em because you can unlock 'em in two seconds online, easy to come back on and they can deal with it. Uh, it is one of those levels of protection watching for mortgage fraud. I, I ju I had a call this morning with a, with a good, um, with a really good friend of mine. Uh, who's advanced in age and man, people just keep plaguing on her for that. And we're we're um, that was something that she's been frustrated by and having to work her way through. So well, Speaker 4 00:37:41 And again, you go back to that same thing with withdrawal alerts and things like that, where yeah. You know, if I, if I do something over $500 on my credit card, it sends me, alert says, Hey, you just spent more than $500. Well, you can do that to alert more than just me. It could alert, you know, a family member or somebody else to keep track of some of Speaker 2 00:37:57 That with, without a doubt. And I will say, and it it's, it's not a, a paid advertisement or plug. I don't get anything for saying it, but by far into its mint, um, thing is yeah. In, into its mint is probably one of the best products right now that I've seen where you can, if they've got those, those accounts that have online logins, cause we have our own lives to do and our own logins. And a lot of 'em probably running your household right, where you can set up that profile, that they're, they're not gonna care to look at it for technology, but it allows you to have visibility without having control of their finance from that. So you're seeing those things as it comes across, right? You can actually see one account pay the other account, like everything's connected from within that. It's easy for the family to understand where everything's at. Speaker 2 00:38:45 As you get smarter and smarter, it's a place to be adding it and getting that source of truth. Uh, but on the other side UN until the day comes, um, it'll help you, I guess, see information and maybe a trend or a problem before. So you can have that conversation with them. And that's really what comes back down to, to circle full and start closing off, comes down to having good information and being able to present that and then have a conversation and let them lead you as to what their concern might be with that stuff. If you come to them and say, wow, I see that all of this activity, I'm not controlling your bank account, but I see that all of this activity's happening over here. And it seems to happen in a way where you keep getting charged things over here in finance charge. I can I help you with that? Can I help you with that so that you, you hold onto your money there or you're not paying those. I think they become ways that you enabled them and you help them to live their best life as opposed to fight them out or run the risk of getting into a communication style with a divide. Speaker 4 00:39:44 Well, I think the communication style is paramount again into that whole system is we've all seen parents who talk to kids in a very belittling way. What are you, you know, what are you dumb? Are you an idiot? Why would you do this? And it, it just makes a very offensive, uh, relationship it's argumentative. And it's, it's that it's really the conversation. Hey mom, Hey dad, Hey, whoever. Um, here's some things that are available. Can we talk about this and have a conversation? Uh, and as it's, it's like, Hey, it's exploratory and it's helpful and it's not condemning in any way cause no one wants to feel badly about what they've been doing with their personal life Speaker 2 00:40:23 With, yeah. With, with that out a doubt, there are, you know, as we go to close this up here, um, I we've got this, there's a great side. Blog would see top eight things not to say to an aging parent, but generally they follow along the lines of, you know, not tell 'em how do you not remember that? Or, um, how could you do that if you were really trying it's something or I just showed you how to use this yesterday. Um, these types of things are you, you already told me that, um, those are, those are things that can make it difficult for them as just, they're just trying to grasp with their reality of needing to be more deliberate about their actions and their Speaker 4 00:41:03 Yeah. They'll shut down their conversation with you. And then you won't know anything Speaker 2 00:41:06 Without a doubt. And, and honestly, when we see a lot of those, that's when we see a lot of the firing back at the other side where the parents are like, well, you're just an idiot, right? Or you're just young or you don't get it or, or this doesn't happen. And, and that book puts things into the wrong spectrum. So that communication huge. Hey Frank, um, boy, I really appreciate it today. Um, the, you know, communication before after a crisis, when things come up, uh, a lot of great stuff there, I appreciate you sharing at risk of, from, uh, from your mom, personal open up this way with us. So for joining brother, Speaker 7 00:42:02 Well, that's it for team this week and thanks for joining us. If you enjoy the content, remember to subscribe and to share this episode on the app that you're using right now, your reviews and your comments, they really help us expand our reach as well as our perspectives. So if you have time also drop us a note, let us know how we're doing for tips and tools, to clarify your parent project, simplify communication with your stakeholders and verify the professionals that you choose. You can find us on YouTube, follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Thanks again for trusting us until our next episode behold and be held. Speaker 1 00:42:34 Thank you for listening to this parent projects, podcast production to access our show notes, resources or forums. Join us on your favorite social media platform or go to parent projects.com. This show is for entertainment purposes only before making any decisions consult a professional. 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