Episode Transcript
Speaker 1 00:00:06 You're listening to parent projects
Speaker 2 00:00:11 And welcome everybody. This is Tony Sievers at Parent Projects, and today we're gonna be, uh, having a great discretion discussion with a registered nurse and healthcare advocacy pioneer, Terry Dreyer. Uh, together we look to, um, the breakdown, how we communicate with our parents, how we express concern. Ultimately, how do we motivate them to improve their lifestyle as they're starting the age, and how do we do that without causing more problems, more drama, or without resistance? Stay tuned.
Speaker 1 00:01:01 You're listening to parent projects, a family media and technology group production. Now, here's your host, Tony Siebers.
Speaker 2 00:01:10 Hey, guys, you ever, uh, have that conversation? You no needs to be had. Uh, maybe you have a family member and your, your parent, your loved one, uh, is experiencing health complications as they age that would really behoove them to start exercising. But they've got 50 years of not exercising as a habit. You're trying to figure out, do I have the conversation? How does that happen? You just need the thing to happen. You just need to move forward, and you're afraid that the family dynamics are gonna create that problem. Well, maybe what you're looking for to healthcare advocate, maybe you're looking for some other professional to assist in, and maybe you just need to learn how to think twice and speak once as you're entering to a critical conversation. And today I've got Terry Dreyer. She's an rn. She's got over 35 years of experience. She's extremely passionate about helping families find their way ahead. And Terry, I like, there's a thousand things I could say with you and Northshore, patient advocates joining us outta the Chicago market in Chicago. Uh, Terry. Hey, welcome in today.
Speaker 4 00:02:12 Thank you so much, Tony. It's a true pleasure to be with you today.
Speaker 2 00:02:16 Uh, we're, we're genuinely blessed to have you. Uh, you're just down the road, uh, as we're talking before from my Abbey, which, which I love. My heart always continues to, in funny ways, find its way back into Chicago. So I love seeing the Chicago folks join in. Mm-hmm. Um, this is like, this is a, um, one of the kind of the first challenges that I tend to see, uh, whether it's on a real estate standpoint or in senior move management with families. They run into some roadblock of some critical thing they need their parents to do. Uh, but no matter how hard they try at 50 years old, their parents still look at 'em like they're 12. And, and it becomes a really difficult dynamic, uh, in some cases. I think somebody told me, you know, not even Christ was appreciated when he went home. Yeah. <laugh>, right? Like, it's, it's really stinking hard. Yeah. What, um, you know, how do you, you, you're an advocate. You're that other voice that, that you've got this experience of po pushing in and helping families when they run into that kind of a roadblock. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, how'd you end up here? What, what, uh, what's the experiences that you're drawing off of that make you a, a healthcare advocate?
Speaker 4 00:03:25 Oh, great question, Tony. The short story is that I had a couple things happen to me in 2010. First of all, we had a family healthcare crisis that really, um, I was appalled at what the, the whole healthcare system looked like from the vantage point of a family member. And because I was a nurse, I was able to help, um, the family, my patriarch, my father-in-law from diverting himself away from death several times. But, um, it just shocked me. And I thought, wow, with all the changes coming down the pike in healthcare, um, today, people are gonna need help. Um, because the more, um, we got used to preparing for the Affordable Care Act, I could see that the, um, the documentation was just growing so, so huge and cumbersome. And I thought, boy, this is not gonna be good for, for patients. And then we had a family situation and, and, um, I got to see it.
Speaker 4 00:04:27 But then, um, the thing that really capped it off for me was when I came back from a six week, um, time off to help my family, I came back and I was almost fired for advocating for a patient. And I thought, okay, well, <laugh>, this is not the kind of system that I wanna work in anymore. But because I had almost 40 years of experience as an I C U nurse Yeah. I knew a lot about how healthcare works. Yeah. And I really loved people. And, um, I had done a lot of medical mission work in Africa over the previous 15 years, but I came back to this country and I thought, who are the people falling through the cracks in modern healthcare the most? And it's seniors and adults with disabilities, and all the people that don't have the political, um, power, they're not the young and the beautiful movie stars. And, and it just broke my heart to see, um, how healthcare was becoming so big business that it was all about money. And, um, uh, patients, um, took a second seat to profits and, and I thought, well, I've gotta do something about it. I, and it was a calling. Really? Well,
Speaker 2 00:05:39 And, and those, those callings, so I, that urging in your heart, I think is mm-hmm. <affirmative> not too dissimilar from how that happened for me in, in 2015 in my own project too. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, what it took me forever to do, and kudos to you in doing it here, is you have to find the right place to do that task. I think it sounds like you knew advocacy was a thing to do. It's typical to advocate truly from the inside of that system to get that third perspective. And, and I'm glad you stuck through the journey to figure out how this was done and where patient advocacy could come from. I, I recognize it's an industry today that it seems to have, it's, there's some credentialing that comes up there. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, there's, talk to us about that. What is many of these industries that are coming up around senior living in general are kind of self credentialing. They're non-mental bodies, NGOs that are coming out and working. Who, who handles that? Who stepped up? Uh, now for you, what's, what's the marker, uh, that a family would be looking for?
Speaker 4 00:06:36 Well, um, the Patient Advocate certification board is comprised of board members from various different industries. There are doctors on it, nurses, non-medical, um, care managers, advocates. Um, there are people from a wide background, because you don't have to be a nurse or doctor to be a professional patient advocate. Yeah. We think right now there are about, um, three to 4,000 patient advocates in this country. But unless they belong to one of the major organizations like the Alliance of Professional Health Advocates or Health Advocate X or, um, the National Association of Healthcare Advocacy Consultants, all these different professional organizations got together and they said, look, we need to develop a certification. And I actually helped write some of the tests, um, questions on the very first exam. And, um, so that's, that's another funny story. The first exam was, um, Chicago, March 17th in, in 2017. So I actually took the train downtown with about 1,099 drunk teenagers to take my first exam. And I thought, what am I thinking?
Speaker 2 00:07:50 <laugh> <laugh>.
Speaker 4 00:07:51 But I passed it anyway, <laugh>. Well,
Speaker 2 00:07:54 I think there's a, there, yeah, there's a couple of times where you feel like you're surrounded by a bunch of drunk teenagers probably walking into this process, <laugh>. But that's, well, you know, um, that, that calling on your heart I think is a great thing. I'm really looking forward to diving into some of this conversation. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> those dynamics, recognizing dynamics with all the families that you've seen over the years, that network of other people. And I, and I know, you know, when you get into industry, you're sharing, you know, a anonymized stories from one to the next to try to grow that, that, um, right. Um, that basis of understanding that you help you advocate from, uh, so, you know, what I'd like to do real quick is I'd just like to take a, a, you know, a a minute or so, a little over a minute and just make a break away. I wanna see, um, a little bit more about you in particular, and, uh, can you show you with our audience if we could?
Speaker 4 00:08:45 Um, me in particular, I'm, um, married, have three grown children, have three little cavalier King Charles dogs. My dad was a Marine Corps officer. I moved 37 times by the time I was outta high school, so, um, made me fearless. I'm the oldest of nine kids, and, um, I just always grew up with a dad that adored me, and I knew I could do anything I set my mind out to do. So, um, we didn't have a lot of money growing up, uh, and moved a lot, but I, I knew that my dad always, um, expected great things of me. And, um, I so, uh, recognize that in other strong women, almost all the strong women that I know that are, um, really other centered people living a life that they dreamed of are our women that, um, have strong fathers that they really knew, loved them deeply.
Speaker 4 00:09:39 And I was really fortunate to, um, do that. But I, I put myself through nursing school. I'm a three year, um, diploma RN and, um, and graduated in 1976, worked I c u my whole life until I saw the changes coming down. And I could no longer morally, ethically or physically, um, work in healthcare. People don't realize that, um, nursing is a very physically demanding job. And, um, I couldn't lift up three, 400 pound patients anymore when I was 56 years old. So there were a lot of reasons coming together, and I think people don't do something bold and jump off the cliff and do what God designed them to do unless they feel enough pain. So I felt a lot of pain when I, I stood up and tried to, to save a patient's life, and the surgeon was highly offended that I was advocating, um, for her.
Speaker 4 00:10:40 And the next day he tried to, um, get me fired. And I thought, well, if this is what healthcare has come to that, um, hospitals are gonna side with doctors that make multimillion dollars for the, the hospital and not be allegiant to good nurses that have given 25 years of their life to 'em, then, you know, I can't really ethically do this. I can't work in an environment that I don't feel safe. And, and I knew I was a really good nurse. I had always, um, um, practiced at a higher level than my education. In fact, right now, I'm the least educated person academically in my whole company, but I have a PhD in Street Smarts, <laugh>,
Speaker 2 00:11:24 <laugh>, and you are clearly a galvanizer. You're somebody who can Yeah. Pull those things together. And I think that benefits well mm-hmm. <affirmative> and you, so, I mean, galvanization, which is a great tool off of here, right? That is the, for those of you that are tuning in, I imagine the galvanization being able to bring your family around and get everybody on one sheet of music is something that's, uh, that's pretty important, probably why you're watching this particular episode and why you followed the podcast. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So, uh, so let's break in some, let's, let's break down to some of that. Uh, you know, I, we, we talked one of the concepts when you and I were talking before, um, would, would be just understanding what you're approaching and, you know, being able to, I think I, I said, you know, think twice and speak once mm-hmm. <affirmative> making an assessment of what you, what advice you want to give to mom and dad.
Speaker 2 00:12:14 But the, the crux here is that you're an adult child. You, you know, you've been off for 40 years running your own life and doing that. You're, you've hit that cliff to jump off. Like things have gotten bad enough that you recognize if you don't get involved, pain is probably coming your direction of having to help mom and dad, or if not sorrow, uh, shame and all that other stuff that comes, if you were to miss it, you know, when, when families start, start seeing that those problems are there and they're thinking about any, any, um, any common like little small conversations start, start having with other siblings or with with providers ahead of time. What, what starts prep? What gets the creative juices flowing and how to approach mom and dad?
Speaker 4 00:12:59 Well, sure. Usually people approach me after what they've been doing, doesn't work, <laugh>. So I always tell people if they're looking towards, um, how they're gonna care for their parents as they age, have that conversation really early. Um, some families will just sit down with their kids when the kids are in their forties and say, look, when I, when this happens to me, this is what I want. And I've made arrangements for this, and these are the things that are important to me. Nobody really likes to think about death, but life is a hundred percent fatal. We're all gonna die. We need to write it down. We need to have those conversations really transparently with our kids. But when people come to me, they've usually been nagging their parents and, um, criticizing them and making them feel, um, unvalued for a while, and they don't mean to.
Speaker 4 00:13:56 Um, it's a lot easier for me as a professional to have those conversations because first of all, nursing has been the number one most trusted profession in America according to the Barner research poll for like 36 years now. Yeah. Yeah. And so a lot of times I will say things in a different way, but the goal is the same. And they will respect my opinion because I'm a nurse. Good example. A few years ago I had a wealth advisor, very successful woman, highly educated, very good at what she did. Parents were 92 and 93 living in a tri-level home. He had Parkinson's, she had dementia. There are multiple issues of mobility. And so he was in a rehab after falling for the third time that year and had broken his sternum. So I came in in a neutral place, and we had a, a meeting, and I, I just basically, first of all told the daughter, um, one of the pillars of medical ethics is autonomy.
Speaker 4 00:15:02 All adult children are afraid for safety. And all parents are concerned with having autonomy and agency over their own lives. And you have to understand that even if your parents are gonna make a different decision than you would, they have a right to make it. Right. Right. And you need to respect it. And the more lovingly and kindly you can begin those conversations and just be a presence there. Um, what I see a lot of times happening is the oldest daughter who will get all burned out, um, taking care of the parents, and they keep going in and out of the hospital, and she'll start getting real crabby and mean, and pretty soon her marriage is in trouble and she's having to take off too much time from work. Don't let these things, um, happen without having a thoughtful conversation in that situation. Fortunately, I was able to just lay out the finances, like, be very open.
Speaker 4 00:16:02 How much money do you have? What are your goals? Yeah. At 92 years old, if you have a couple million dollars left, you can have home care in the home for pretty much as long as you want to. If you don't mind paying for all the upkeep on the home and having people help you with bills and everything like that. But safety is number one. And so we have to reach some kind of compromise. And the woman who had early dementia at that point said that her goal was to stay in her home for the rest of her life. That's what she wanted.
Speaker 2 00:16:36 Yeah. And so, and that would be really common. I mean, that would be the majority, the majority goal. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4 00:16:43 That's what I wanna do too. But you have to plan ahead and do it wisely if that's what your goal is. And, um, there are ways to do that wisely, and what ways to do that, not so wisely.
Speaker 2 00:16:56 Well, one, you know, one thing you said that that really resonated there, um, was you were talking about you, you, you made that approach from that outside. So if as, as I've taken stock as a family member mm-hmm. <affirmative> and what really is needed there, I find the right person who's vetted a nurse in this particular case, it might be that financial advisor that pushes in, or the fiduciary, if your parents have used a fiduciary over the years, um, you know, arming them with facts, you had been armed with facts, um, you were able to now put into place that weren't personal. You were an expert that was just talking through those facts, probably the same facts that the kids have listed three or four times. Right. But, but you did that in a way, it sounds like, to where you, you showed that that fact there was a pathway using those facts to autonomy. Right. And you could, you could speak into that so that the center was how they stay autonomous mm-hmm. <affirmative> addressing the, you know, taking into account those facts. And then if I hear what you're saying correctly, if, if their plan doesn't account for a factor, or maybe it's a little not realistic of mm-hmm. <affirmative> of what's set out, you might be either you or you can find that other expert that might be the best person to, to help, you know, really help drive that home. Am I tracking? Is that Yeah,
Speaker 4 00:18:18 Yeah. Yeah. There are so many different specialties in the senior care industry today that can help with so many different aspects, like move managers, like you've done that before. There are people that, um, a wide variety in the quality of different home care companies and home healthcare companies. There's more fraud and abuse out there than ever before. And if you have a consultant by your side, you're gonna eventually save a lot more money and probably lives if you can have somebody take you by the hand and guide you through the process. I had a, um, patient just this last month. He's a doctor, uh, recently retired. His, um, sister was an attorney, well-known philanthropist, humanitarian, volunteered for, um, homeless shelters. And she was so well thought of in the Chicago community when I met her. She had, she had a tracheostomy, she had four terrible bedsores.
Speaker 4 00:19:21 She was in a very poor quality, um, facility and being cared for like a slab of meat. Yeah. And, um, it was just the most undignified thing. What I want your, your, um, listeners to understand most is that dignity. I can't stress in the importance of maintaining and honoring your parents' dignity, even if they're grumpy. Um, they might be in pain, they might be depressed, they might be asking themselves, has my life really mattered? Yeah. Have I made an impact in the world? What's my legacy? There are a lot of different reasons, and the more you push them into an area that you want them to go, the more they're gonna dig their heels
Speaker 2 00:20:06 That, that, um, you know, that, that brings some, we had talked about previously, we've, we've talked about the frog in the, the pot. Right. That Yeah. <laugh> that, that perspective of, you know, when you, when you, the frog that you drop in, the hot water jumps back out, but this aging isn't that aging is the pot of pots <laugh>. It just is constantly boiling. Right. And like you said, nobody's getting off this rock alive. This, that's the way this whole thing works. Right. So, um, and a hundred percent of us have to go through that. We don't tend to wanna process that ahead of time. Right. So when your parents, and there's two sides of this too. Your parents are a frog on a pot. They're, they're impacting that, that you, we as adult children, we're, we're at the same we are as well. I mean, this maybe has snuck into us and, and caught us by surprise.
Speaker 2 00:20:55 You know, the dynamics of, the dynamics of kind of waking up and realizing that the reality of that can be pretty great. What is, you know, what do you, what do you, um, what, what could you focus on? What could a family focus on, um, to kind of shake their head when the reality comes in of a, wow, okay. Um, we've missed this. Or, you know, if, if your parent is that moment, if it connects and all of a sudden they're like, oh, wow. Yeah, I've said I've wanted to do this and I don't have the money to do this. Yeah. I don't have the, the ability to physically do this. Handling those, those conversations at that time. What are things, what are things to think of? I mean, do you retreat? Do you step back from that? Do you slow down? What are the things that, that we should be doing?
Speaker 4 00:21:45 Well, I think the old good old fashioned loving kindness goes a long way. When I go in and I meet, um, with families, I really have a lot of eye contact and, and they can tell that I really care about them as a human being. They're not a bother to me. They're not, um, somebody that I have to force into something. And I sit and I, I want to eventually get to the point where I can hear what their goals are. Uh, I remember one lady last year, she had moderately advanced dementia, but she still had good physical mobility. Her kids knew that her dementia was scary. They had taken the keys away from her, against her. Well, and she completely denied she had any trouble with her memory. But we did do a neuropsychic, um, exam, which is a hundred percent covered by Medicare. And, um, we found out she was entering into the later stages of dementia. But you have to realize that dementia is a disease that tells you you don't have a disease. Yeah.
Speaker 4 00:22:52 And so people can't remember things. And so when you know that one of your parents is really slipping into the danger area, of course you're gonna be scared and concerned, but if you keep on pushing, they're gonna feel belittled, dishonored, um, that you are not, um, honoring them and they worked so hard for you. They change your diapers, put you through college and everything. And no senior wants to be treated like a child by their adult children. Yeah. But it's a very, very common thing to do. And even if you, you're kind nine times outta 10, that one time when they do something that drives you nuts and you blow it. Yeah. That's the time that they're gonna, it's just gonna kill them. Yeah. It's like people seeing their heart, that their own child would talk to them that way. So I always try to defer to what they want. And when we have those crucial conversations and families, we do a lot of mediation. And, um, I always try to defer to what the goals of the, the parent are. And sometimes you have to have these conversations seven to 10 times, gently and lovingly.
Speaker 2 00:24:09 And that can be, that can be really problematic and difficult for, for, you know, for the kids. And sometimes we've also noted it's the timing and knowing when those things up. Yes. Which is of course, what we've, well, it's, it's what I've dedicated my, my life and our team around what I galvanize a group around is helping people understand the timing of those things. You know, I wanna, uh, there's a, a great amount to process on that. I'd, I'd like if we could just take a quick, um, take a quick break, um, and, and, uh, take a look at, at really, uh, parent projects and what we're doing to try to impact some of those things. When we come back, I really want to close in on those. We've really fallen into a preparation, a strong preparation, and then that ability to act and try to drive that home for everybody. So let's, we'll be back in just one second.
Speaker 4 00:24:56 Okay. Thank you, Tony.
Speaker 2 00:26:28 Welcome back families. Uh, today we're sitting down with Terry Dryer, uh, Northshore patient advocates out in Chicago, more than three, uh, around three decades of experience in being a healthcare advocate, a pioneer in healthcare advocacy, and how that's developed really since 2015. Uh, Terry, thanks for, again, joining us today. You know, one, one aspect as we go to really start to drive this home in these key concepts and preparation and how to prepare for these conversations and then how to act, um, one, one thing that really seemed important was to understand not only do you need when you're acting with the message, focusing those facts on autonomy, and then doing that always within dignity. If you, you know, either you're, if you do, you have to be on guard. You have to constantly be, as you said, it's that one time that you drop your guard and you don't focus that way and deliver the message they're coming back at you.
Speaker 2 00:27:24 Um, that, that resonated a lot. I think the other side of this that, that is important to add is the context of the system we work in. So, you know, I generally, uh, I not much of a conspiracy theorist for step. I think we kind of end up in our situation based off of, of decisions that individuals make, probably not at all always considering the ramifications of what it is. You know, for one reason or another, we are headed into a time where we have a, a, a functioning entitlement based system. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> that works off of Medicare, works with Medicaid at the, at the state level. It works with social security that the age of 65 and, and up through 67, if you delay, this is the retirement experience and the aging experience here in the United States for our market. There are 48 million people in that process today.
Speaker 2 00:28:14 And it has a hard time. It struggles to keep up. And you know, Terry and I, you, you and I both know that the World Health Organization is on everybody and the, and the, the national government. And we come to work every day cuz we understand that in just the next seven years, 90 million people are gonna drop into those systems. We're gonna about double the number of people using 'em in just the next seven years. So it, it could not, it could be more than just have you prepared for, as a family, have you gotten in there, you know, what's making money or not. It could legitimately be the government's gonna have to change the process of how these things work. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> in order to cope with even if, if the additional 40 million people are healthy, you're still talking about a, a near doubling of the number of people working their way through mm-hmm. <affirmative>
Speaker 2 00:29:00 That pipeline that have to be dealt with and managed and at least assessed and given that opportunity. And, and that seems to be a ripe area for people to get taken advantage of. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> for the vulnerable to really fall through the cracks. It is, my call to action in life is to get in front of that. I think families are best suited to, to be at the front line. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, that doesn't necessarily mean as you put out that, that, that the family is the best person to put that message forward. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> sometimes, sometimes it, it might be a professional who has that third point of view to come in.
Speaker 4 00:29:34 Well, that's, that's definitely true, Tony. And a few years ago, in 2019, I saw that this was, was becoming such a big problem. I actually started a nonprofit called seniors alone.org for people that either have no families close by or they're low income, or they show all the signs of being, um, being vulnerable to exploitation. Um, senior exploitation and abuse is a federal crime, and I've come face to face with it several times. And, um, we actually serve as guardians of the per person for, um, several clients right now because they have either been exploited or they were in danger of being exploited. And it crosses all socioeconomic lines and every culture. And that's one thing that gets me riled up.
Speaker 2 00:30:24 <laugh>. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, it's, it is a time in which my, you know, my wife and I, uh, you know, she's survived. We double metastatic breast cancer mm-hmm. <affirmative> in the last couple of years. And that is a million dollar ride. One in a women going through that and men it impacts as well, but mm-hmm. <affirmative>, um, it's still a million dollars a pop when you are looking at the average savings that sit out there for people. You are, I mean, so many of us are one medical event away from completely wiping that out and becoming part of the last lost in least. Well, uh, and so I I love, I love the seniors. Seniors alone.org. Yeah. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Okay. Fantastic. Yeah. Um, hey, on that, you guys, you're gonna talk about this out in Chicago mm-hmm. <affirmative> in a public forum. You guys have a, a conference that's coming up in June. Tell us about that.
Speaker 4 00:31:11 Yeah, so the Chicago Patient Advocacy Conference is going to be held in Lyle, Illinois at the Abington on June 16th. And we're gonna have a whole day of 12 different speakers talking to families, seniors, people that take care of seniors and just educate ourselves more about what's new in Medicare, how you plan for Medicaid if the money is not there. Um, and just a million different things. And one of the topics we wanna talk about, of course, is supporting the adult children as they're going through this and, and just empowering them and educating and inspiring them. This isn't a burden. Um, this is something you can look forward to doing and if you do it well, that's a legacy you're gonna pass on to all your children and their grandchildren and everything. And I think it was Hubert hum Humphrey that said, um, the test of a country is how they treat, um, their children in the very beginning of life and how they treat their older people.
Speaker 4 00:32:13 And I'm really struck, um, by the fact that our country has a long way to go in honoring, respecting and properly caring, um, for seniors. But it's a very complex, um, socioeconomic issue in our country too. And, um, we all know that Medicare is in trouble and <laugh>, nobody knew that so many people were gonna sign up for Medicaid. So, um, our country has some challenges, but we have, have to be the people that we, um, stand up and advocate for future generations cuz we're gonna be there in a heartbeat ourselves. We have to do the right thing.
Speaker 2 00:32:51 Well, and that is, look, there is a beauty and there is a joy looking forward to this. And that is getting, getting in front of it now, and now it's just the numbers are big enough for more people to pay attention. It is easier. Uh, you know, you and I are not screaming into the desert. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> people hear us, they know it. The silver tsunami, they understand what that generally, they see it coming and they understand mm-hmm. <affirmative>, okay, well something's gotta happen, but, but this will happen to the next generation and the next generation. And, and now at least we're gonna start getting in front of it. We're gonna put some tools, we're putting technology towards mm-hmm. <affirmative> it we're. Yeah. And we're building that in ways from the ground up that are speaking. I mean, you nailed it. It is dignity. Yeah. Dignity is everything.
Speaker 2 00:33:30 No. You know, at a bottom line, look. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, uh, I'll say if, if you've joined this conversation today and you are trying to pull off of it, how do I have this conversation without other parent, other problems? I, I, your, your bottom lines that I think we're looking through is one, have that conversation early, okay? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, I, uh, do do that before. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, it's not a nagging, not a critique. That's not having the conversation early, having the unfolding and what is the conversation. That conversation is, um, an assessment of probably their activities of daily living. They're ADLs, right? Mm-hmm. <affirmative> some facts, right? Their money take something that's factual and that conversation is how do they take and account those facts and find a way of autonomy through the middle of that. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, your job is to, to do that in a, in a way that brings dignity at all times. And if you're someone who's frustrated because you've heard the story of Uncle how 17 times, you can't get through the first 10 minutes of it again. Yeah. And it's okay that it's not you. Yeah. Because pick up the phone cuz it can be Terry <laugh>, right? It can it can be Terry, it can be Stephanie, it can be Tony, it can be John. It could, there's so many great people there and that's what they do. And, and it is, it is a joy. They will sit there and, and be able to deliver.
Speaker 4 00:34:43 Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:34:43 The light. Go ahead.
Speaker 4 00:34:45 Loneliness is a real, um, growing problem. And, and we noticed it during Covid also that people with early dementia, it was progressing much more quickly because of isolation. Yeah. People are meant to be around people and even if your loved ones that you're afraid of are, you know, irritating in some of the things they do and you're afraid, just think of how you will, um, feel when you're in their position. Because, because we all think we're 20 years younger than what we really are. Right. We all, when we're 80, we think we're, we're really our body's capable of 60 year old, um, things. And I'm 67 now, so I think I'm in my mid forties <laugh>. That's true. Yeah. When you're in your eighties and nineties, even if you don't have dementia, you think, why is everybody so concerned?
Speaker 2 00:35:36 <laugh>, without a doubt. Doubt. I I, I will never forget being, uh, being young, being, you know, a young kiddo, man, I was not that old. And my grandmother driving and she was like, they were getting ready to probably pull a license <laugh>, and she's literally like, oh, stinking old people <laugh>. And I remember like, that was not lost on me. I just was like, so bless her soul man. Know. Well, hey Terry, it has been a blessing, an absolute blessing to start this conversation. I honestly, I look forward to a lot more of 'em and, and I'm hoping you'll come back on the show I plan to see in the 16th of June and out at the conference there in Chicago.
Speaker 4 00:36:17 Yeah, it, I hope you can speak Tony. You, you have a lot to offer the people out here in, in Chicagoland. So if all the stars align for you to come out, we would love that. The final thing I I wanna just put out there, um, when you're really struggling with somebody you love, remember that fear is often covered up by anger. So, um, I, I see a lot of older men that feel like their kids are trying to force them into doing things and they act angry a lot. It's really fear. Yeah. They're afraid of their bodies falling apart. So lean into that and ask them, um, more questions about that. The more you can empathize with them and honor them as a human being, the more they'll eventually come around if they know how much you love them and how precious, um, you are to them, families can't be replaced. So
Speaker 2 00:37:11 I I we are le there's nothing more that can be said on that. Yeah. Terry <laugh>, like, you have dropped the mic. Okay. <laugh>, good to go. That is fantastic. Thank
Speaker 4 00:37:21 You Tony. Um,
Speaker 2 00:37:22 Gary, I, again, thank you so much for sharing your time, your talents, and your treasures with us and our audience. Thank
Speaker 4 00:37:28 You. Have a blessing. Okay,
Speaker 6 00:37:35 Well that's it t team this week and thanks for joining us. If you've enjoyed the content, remember to subscribe and to share this episode on the app that you're using right now. Your reviews and your comments, they really help us expand our reach as well as our perspective. So if you have time, also drop us a note. Let us know how we're doing for tips and tools to clarify your parent project, simplify communication with your stakeholders and verify the professionals that you choose. You can find us on YouTube, follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Thanks again for trusting us. Until our next episode, behold and be held.
Speaker 1 00:38:07 Thank you for listening to this Parent Projects podcast production. To access our show notes, resources or forums, join us on your favorite social media platform or go to parent projects.com. This show is for entertainment purposes only. Before making any decisions, consult a professional. This show is copyrighted by Family Media and Technology Group Incorporated and parent projects. L l c. Written permissions must be granted before syndication or
Speaker 7 00:38:35 Rebroadcast.
