Episode 3

December 27, 2021


#3 | Luis Marquez | Words To Comfort The Dying

Hosted by

Tony Siebers Bina Colman
#3 | Luis Marquez | Words To Comfort The Dying
Parent Projects - Aging In America
#3 | Luis Marquez | Words To Comfort The Dying

Dec 27 2021 | 00:55:09


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Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 00:00:00 You're listening to senior moves. Speaker 1 00:00:02 Hello everyone. And welcome to this Thursday's release of the podcast, where we're talking about the impacts of death and dying on a parent project. Like always today's show may speak to many, but it's specifically oriented to family, friends, and professional advocates of the aged who have stepped into a leadership position of a downsizing project for another person today. I'm again, joined by Louis Marquez of senior moves and our Macy's studio while on the road, myself for family funerals last week and this week. So the item touches home. We're going to discuss walking into those final moments, maybe what to expect out of comfort care or hospice. If it's the first time you've encountered that we'll share some recommendations on words to comfort the dying and the surviving and the moments of death. And we'll dive into the first issues and the tasks that tend to follow the passing of a loved one. Overall, there's some solid information on how to approach, monitor, and address a range of death related issues and grief for your parent project. So I hope you guys find today's content useful. Speaker 0 00:01:19 You're listening to parent projects, a senior moves podcast production. Now here's your host, Tony CBRE's Speaker 1 00:01:26 And welcome everybody. Luis. It's a good to see again, via video. How you doing today? Speaker 3 00:01:32 I'm really good. How about yourself? Speaker 1 00:01:35 Yeah, I'm blessed. I'm blessed as we were, you know, mentioning in the opening of this, it's, it's been a lot the last two weeks, particularly. So for those, those listeners, you'd notice we've we missed a week in, um, in our publications and that had a lot to do with, well, really had a lot to do with the travel and the difficulty of, of hitting our own, uh, funerals situation. So thanks for the patients there. And it's, uh, I don't know if it's for it'ss or ironic that this is, Speaker 3 00:02:07 It is. I mean, especially right now that you're going through that, um, I think it's a, um, a good topic that we need to talk about, but also we can get a little bit more perspective of someone that is going through it right now. Speaker 1 00:02:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, it's been fascinating. I've, I've known for three weeks now that this is an episode we've had this laid out, knew it was what we wanted to talk about. Uh, I, and I, I went into last week, particularly, uh, just trying to be quiet and watch to see how that would play out or what were those moments that were really difficult. So, um, as with most people, I think that have gone through a senior move process and they get in some level of the business to help others go through a senior move process. There's usually a drive to help others learn from what we learned and you want, it helps. I think it can help you make sense of the difficulties you went through, uh, if, if you can help someone else avoid those difficulties or learned from that. So, uh, I guess this is maybe a little therapeutic for me as well as we get a chance to do it. And I imagine for you, as I know, we've, as we've prepared for this, we've had great conversations about you and your family and your losses as well. So thanks for being open and having those conversations today with us. No, Speaker 3 00:03:27 Of course, thank you for, for letting me be able to, to be that help for other people that might be in this situation and hopefully with our experiences that can get through. Speaker 1 00:03:40 Yeah. So we had two articles that were in our, in our flip boards in e-magazine, um, particularly that we're going to integrate and work through and today's stories. Um, do you want to give, uh, the high level of the, the Harrington piece? Speaker 3 00:03:57 Yeah. Um, so the first one is by Jenny Harrington, it's called the three magical phrases to comfort a dying person. And it's from, um, human dot, medium.com a great piece. Um, it took me a while to, to read it just because I had to take some breaks, but it was a really good piece. Speaker 1 00:04:17 Yeah. Well, and, and not, I mean, just to qualify that in the, taking the breaks, it's an emotional piece, Speaker 3 00:04:23 Very Speaker 1 00:04:23 Emotional. Yeah. And, and, um, it's a highly recommend, um, what Jenny has to say in that piece and how she unfolds her own, um, experiences coaching, uh, her eight year old, uh, child son, um, in his own death in his death. And that's just, uh, it is heartbreaking as a parent. It's heartbreaking to listen and go through those things, but it just, it, she highlights it so well, uh, and walks through a rationale as to how she came across these three particular phrases. So I'm, I'm, I'm really happy to highlight that and to present that as some options for people to name the second, the second story here is, uh, the peace that surpasses all understanding. And this is a, um, this is a faith based piece that we have, uh, by Kristin Abrahams, um, of, uh, the first Bible church. Uh, and, and it has been a, um, it's been a, a great piece when we come in to talk about it, I think, with talking to the dynamics of family grief and how to deal with those grief, uh, um, I really think it integrates cleanly and well and to the perspectives that, uh, that we're able to share. Speaker 1 00:05:53 I think one thing that's important to state upfront is there's, there's no, as, as we see in our grief recovery methods and some of the other things that are posted online and over the years, and the senior moves that have dealt with a loss of a family member, uh, and then usually there's a surviving spouse. It never grief never appears the same. And any of these projects they're saying I heard years ago was if you've seen one, uh, senior move, you've seen one senior move. And when it comes down to grief being a part of it, that there's no, there's no change off that really a lot of the same. Speaker 3 00:06:29 So I completely agree with that. Speaker 1 00:06:33 Well, I was one of the first things is that I really wanted to cover in our first segment here is finding words, uh, at a, at a loss for words, I, as we is my, my wife and I boarded an airplane, uh, to, to head out and an urgent call something that, that was not expected to happen as quickly and where it happened. In fact, just, you know, a couple of days, four days before, uh, the family member had passed, we were, he was, you know, texting with us about what he was going to do differently when he came home and, and seeing his life in a very different place. And so we were caught off, off guard. Uh, ultimately I would go with just open eyes, ears, and heart, um, and not speak. But one thing that I could see, uh, uh, was really prevalent and have heard an in a lot of other moves is what are the words, what are you approach, uh, when you're, when you walk into that room, um, and what that might look like. So, uh, you know, that's one of the first things I wanted to cover. Can you talk us through, uh, Jenny Harrington and in her, she's got three recommendations that she talks through. Let's, uh, let's break that down a little bit. Speaker 3 00:07:49 Yeah, no, for sure. Um, this article, um, like you said, it talks about Jenny Harrington and he and her, um, eight year old and he has, um, cancer and basically the doctors tell her, Hey, there's nothing else we can do. And as I'm reading this article, when you sent it to me, like, Hey, you know, like this is an article we're going to be talking about, like, you should take a Rita. Um, it's crazy to think because the three magic, you know, words are the three magic phrases that you could, you know, um, say to someone, um, I lived it, you know, but, um, it talks about how she has to tell her eight year old that he's going to die and not just process that you're going to lose your child, but now you got to tell your child that, you know, he's going to die soon. Speaker 3 00:08:49 And how do you process that? What do you tell him? You know, like what, you know, how do you find the strength to be able to, to, to tell him? And I think that she in this article just explains, well, how she, um, took those three phrases for herself first in the reverse order. And that's how she was able to explain this to her eight year old, which was, um, it was a pretty awesome, um, read to, to experience and then putting myself in this situation and in, in what happened and how I lived in. Speaker 1 00:09:31 So one of the first things that, uh, became disarming, uh, there, I mean, there's tension when you, when you read her piece and it starts you're, you're, you're listening to her, prepare herself and talk herself into how she had to approach that. And that tension, uh, got a reprieve and a con and a realization or some comments that were made to where she finally realized that there was no, there was nothing she could say that was going to change the outcome of what was coming. Uh, and I think that's a really, that's a, there's so much grace. There is so much grace in that, uh, there, when, when the fear of saying the wrong thing can be lifted away from you, there's nothing you can say, that's gonna, that's going to change them from dying one way or the other. And that's not your responsibility to note that that's not your responsibility to do in that moment. Speaker 1 00:10:28 That allows you to focus on what, what it is you can do is realistic for you to do as a human being, I think, uh, and that's, that is comforting in the moment and how to work through the moment. And now you can, now you can start to check into them. You can be empathetic. And, and I think at that point in time, that will allow you to take your, your relationship, the totality of the knowledge, you know, of the situation at that particular person's background, or how that person views anything or smells things, or sees things. Now you get to actually access that part of your mind to get down to, uh, closer to the right words, or just good, magical phrases or words. Uh, I think that's a, that's a huge piece. So I really give, um, a lot, a lot of PR there's an undertone, and I give a lot of credit to the undertone of removing fear, uh, from of saying the wrong thing immediately off the top. Speaker 1 00:11:33 And so that's something I, I would 10 times out of 10 times walking into a situation, whether it was in a previous life as a, as an army officer and having to, to counselor, to work with a soldier who's going to pass or not make that, or a family member that's lost, or, um, and you have to talk to a family, uh, down to in law enforcement work or whatever it might be removing the fear of your that's not your, your, your role. And it's not, it's, it's, it's realistic and it's normal for us to have that fear, but that fear isn't, isn't really a, um, a realistic fear for you. So you can process through and move it forward that allows you to keep going. So the first one, uh, first thing she says, uh, after she tells him, um, and he's kind of had some time to process off of that number, one of the magical phrases is Speaker 3 00:12:30 You will not be alone. Um, letting him know how important, um, that he's not gonna be alone. Um, and it's true. I mean, my situation with my grandma, uh, once they told us that, Hey, there's really nothing else we can do. Like, we're putting her on morphine. This is what we could do to make her comfortable. Um, it was, you know, she wasn't alone, you know, she was, she was surrounded by literally, so she's, so she had 11 kids and 10 of them, no nine of them were there. Those nine kids had kids. And, um, I mean, I, when I tell you that that room was full, like about 40 to 50 people, um, it was amazing. And just that, I think that comfort, knowing that, Hey, you're not going through this alone. I mean, my grandma was 76, I think. And I think the difference between an eight year old here and seeing that, you know, he's just starting his life. Speaker 3 00:13:41 And, you know, most of our listeners might have someone situations that are like a much older. Um, and they might, you know, quote unquote, be like, oh, I'm, I've lived my life. I'm ready to die, but really, I don't think they are like, I mean, who's ready to just go off to the unknown, um, and letting them know that they're not alone. I think it's very comforting. And I know that I, I thought in my grandma, even though she wasn't able to be able to communicate, I could see the tears running down, her, her, her eyes, you know, when, you know, when my mom or my aunts were kind of like comforting her, knowing her that she wasn't alone. Yeah, Speaker 1 00:14:23 Yeah. That it, that, uh, Ms. Harrington does a great job of explaining that. And walking through that she then heads into, uh, a second key phrase. Um, and I'll throw out, you'll not F um, you will not feel any pain, uh, or her particular situation. As in many of these, there, there may be pain, uh, especially if they're in the hospital. Um, uncomfort huge amounts of uncomfort. If, uh, in our family situation, cancer's played a role and, and other things that had played a role and they're uncomfortable, but holding on and waiting to, to not be alone, maybe waiting for kids to come others, to come in and to, and to start working through the process of saying goodbye, uh, knowing that that that's going to go away and that the census will be numbed in a way that's humane, uh, and the comfort care and compassion care, uh, or in some cases, uh, if a hospice is in play, which we can, we'll talk to that here in just a second, but they'll not feel any pain. Uh, the third one, uh, is, do you want to remind us of that her, her third magical Speaker 3 00:15:35 We will be okay. And I think this is a very, very important, um, piece of it because she started with, I will be okay. Once she figured out when the doctors told her that, you know, her son was going to die, she started with, I'm going to be okay. And knowing, and letting them know that whoever you're they're leaving behind are, is they're going to be okay. Um, it's super important because then you can kind of just be like, okay, I've done my job. Like, I think I'm good. Um, you know, going back to my grandma, um, in an instance, um, everybody was surrounding the bed and something in me, um, was really like calling me out to be like, Hey, I think you need to tell your mom and your aunts that, you know, your, like your grandma, like just wants that assurance that they're going to be okay. Speaker 3 00:16:31 You know? Um, and I couldn't say it, I was scared, you know, and, um, saying the wrong words. Yeah. I was scared of saying, they're like, they're going to be like, what do you mean? Like, you're just wanting her to like, die or anything like that. Thankfully, my cousin, you know, uh, next to me, we were really close. I told her, I was like, I think this is what grandma like really needs to hear. And she had the, the strength to be like, this is what she needs. And, and literally my mom by her ear, she just grabbed her. And, um, just told her, like, you know, we're gonna be okay. Like, you've, you've raised this good. We're all, you know, we're all going to be good. Like, you can go in peace. Like we're going to be okay here. Um, you're going to be watching over us. Speaker 3 00:17:21 And literally at that moment, like as soon as my mom sat at that, like she took her last breath and that's when she passed. Um, and then I kinda thought to myself, I'm like, how are we going to be okay. You know, I kind of doubted myself. I'm like, are we like, but yeah, we are, you know, we, we can't prepare for this, but we just got to take what well we learned from her, but it was difficult, but how she explains it and telling him that she's going to be okay. I think was one of the worst things that I had to like read as I'm reading this article. Cause it, it was, it was hard. I had to take a break. Speaker 1 00:18:05 Yeah. It w it is, it is palatable a great article again, uh, for those of you that, that, uh, listeners that hadn't seen it, we'll put the link down in the podcast description, uh, over on our flip and our e-magazine, uh, and those three magical phrases. Again, there's no, um, you know, single shot, there's no one size fits all, uh, answer into these situations, but really, I think they, they did a great job here with, um, if you're looking for something, if you're at a complete loss, I think it's a great place to start reduce that fear, uh, set that aside for you. And then here are, you will not be alone. You'll not feel any more pain and we, we will be okay. I think are three great places to start from, uh, next in the, um, the denial, the dynamics of, of family grief that, that come from this, uh, you know, there's a, there's a practical portion of, of our, how the events play out that will, that can really amplify this or, or change the perspective. Speaker 1 00:19:11 So, um, let me set the tone, what I mean by that, if you're listening to this podcast, cause you're on an airplane and you are headed, uh, into a situation to say goodbye to somebody and you haven't been in a situation like this before, uh, you, you it's, it's probably easy to think and understand from your S your own perspective, how you feel all of your emotions to the same side, a great conversation I've had with other families and with my own family, uh, is that even in large families, uh, I have one, right? Uh, my, my dad has one of 11 kids, uh, and they all grew up in the same household. They're spread, they're pretty close in age, uh, across a good 15 to 20 years segment. But, um, so they, they, you know, life changes a bit, but they had somewhat of a similar experience you would think, but then you layer on life. Speaker 1 00:20:14 None of them had the same life. They all had different life perspectives. They all had individual relationships with each of the parents. Um, and parents try hard to do that. I know I do as a, as a parent of five kids, my relationship is special and it's unique to each one of those kids, the layers and the complexity of that after a 40 or 50 years, uh, results or 60 years, 70 years, um, it, it creates it and it shows itself presents itself, uh, with different dynamics and family and family grief. People come at it from different areas. Some people may feel a level of relief because it was really difficult to watch a loved one, suffer. Others just might not be in that position or have that understanding to be able to let go if faith, faith has a huge role in these perspectives, um, and, and how we work through these things. Speaker 1 00:21:10 Uh, so keeping, keeping space for that, uh, for all family members, by the way, uh, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, right? Everybody's got some perspective there and making sure to, uh, to, to leave something open for that. Uh, one of the other articles that we we've talked to, you can find in our e-magazine the peace that surpasses all understanding Christian Anderson's piece, uh, really, uh, a neat piece. She gives four great dynamics, um, of, of grief and anxiety, uh, of walking through. And some things to do is if you walk into this situation and it becomes a bit overwhelming. Um, and I, I thought it'd be great if we could kind of cover through and talk through those as you're dealing with the dynamics of family grief, taking care of yourself, or, um, dealing with yourself first will assist you in being able to help others process others. Speaker 1 00:22:16 Uh, so one of the first ones she talks about is, uh, anxiety. Isn't not being your enemy, anxiety, being a normal thing. Uh, and like any other emotion or, uh, anything else that it's something to tell it's, it's trying to tell your body something's not right here. Like, uh, fear plays a role it's important. And the reality is the quieter, or the more you just try to suppress that, or push that away. The more the louder it's going to get in your life before it shows itself. And you might not always like how it shows itself. So embracing it, not understanding it's not your enemy, but instead it's a natural part of your body telling you something out here is wrong and, uh, and embracing that and knowing, okay, well, yeah, this is, I have a hard situation. Speaker 3 00:23:07 No, and it's true. And even reading through that section of it, one of the things that, that highlighted that really caught my attention, and I was just like, oh man, like, this is powerful. Um, it's at the end of the, in this article at the end of the, of this, of this phrase, it says, um, anxiety. Um, when you listen to it, when you listen to anxiety, it impacts soft, soft tins, soft hands. And I think about it. And I'm just like in the past, when I've listened to, like, I mean, when I listened to any type of my anxiety, was it from the situation where my grandma passed or even like moving from Oregon to like, to Arizona, like I could either listen to my anxiety and freak out or just listen to my anxiety and be like, okay, what do I need to do? What's going to make me this anxiety go away. What are these options that I have? And, um, it got me thinking, what are my options? What do I need to do? And it's true in the, in and, and reading through it, um, that highlighted, like it impacts, uh, the impact of it softer when you listen to it. Speaker 1 00:24:22 Well, and I'm definitely not a social worker. Uh, I myself have been through a enough grief counseling, um, and emotional survival, you know, from law enforcement in the military or from, um, just life in general, uh, that there is a real common, there's a common thread in all those levels of grief that says when you listen to it, uh, that softness likely comes because you're able to address it and sort through what is legitimate and not legitimate much. Like we're the first point we were making about fear. It's, it's there there's no, it's not your place to prolong or to fix and make this death situation go away. It's not for you. Yeah. Faith, faith plays a role for me personally, to help me understand that, that, that I believe that that's God's role and, and, uh, and not my role. And it's easy for me to put myself in my own place in that anxiety of death of saying, okay, well, this isn't like, I don't have a dog in this fight. Speaker 1 00:25:29 This isn't me. So now I can sort through what I'm anxious about and let's truth. Say this thing, right? Uh, is it legitimate? Is this a real thing? Or is this just how I feel? And giving myself a break is another really core thing. It's somebody said, well, it's okay to feel how you feel it's right. To feel how you feel. That's based, that's based on life experiences. That's your body telling you, Hey, this isn't, this isn't working properly, or this is, this is, uh, you know, um, this is out of the ordinary, or we recognize a pattern here and we don't think we like it. So listen to that and it's okay to have it, but w what you do with it, anxiety, um, can be it's, it's better guided by biologically thinking through, uh, those, those things that you're anxious about. Is this real? Speaker 1 00:26:24 Is it not real? Um, am I not going to be okay? Am I you're going to be okay. Right. That, that statement I'm going to be okay. Things you say I'm not going to be okay. But the reality is you're going to be okay. Yeah. Um, and, and as you process through, you start thinking through and you slow down, you absorb that. Okay. It's okay to feel that way, because this is a big change. And I haven't processed. I haven't thought about where I'm going to go next, but now I am, and I see where I'm going to go. I see generally a direction. I don't, I, I can't see the end state, but yeah. We'll make it. So, um, these three, once she knocks down the, um, anxiety as an enemy, she then comes up with three really great recommendations. They have that anxiety sits there, and it's just kind of got the best of you for the moment. Speaker 1 00:27:18 And you need to change your perspective or work through it. The first, um, in changing the scenery. Uh, I've I've, I personally find that really valuable. Um, and I, and I've got kiddos, one of my kiddos, this is huge for him if he needs a reset, and it's amazing how fast it can happen, changing sight sound and signal, those senses, um, is stepping out. And it's probably the reason we step into another room, or we step out of something or we go to work, you can reset and come at it from a different level. And that's, uh, that changing of scenery, I think, is important, uh, turning into service. Now, this is a perspective, this is a Christian perspective in which she presents this. And, um, you know, Christ obviously being the model of servant style leadership. I personally, this is a place I pour in as well. Uh, serving other people is a huge processing point, which it even speaks to this project. Yeah. Right. And what we do here, this, this helps you process, your own stuff to teach is to teach us to learn twice. Um, Joseph, your bear. Um, it, there there's so many aspects to the value in, and just focusing on serving other people, uh, that said you don't want to do it to the point where you're not taking care of yourself at all. And so that outside perspective sometimes can come from your peeps. Speaker 3 00:28:55 Yeah. Finding the right people, Speaker 1 00:28:59 finding the right people and your people, uh, your, you know, I've got my Bible study peeps. And in my friends that I know I can, I can count on that can be there to listen or to help me process through the anxiety. Speaker 3 00:29:15 Oh yeah. And it's not really just about the right people. I'm, I mean, I think everybody has a show. I mean, I think everybody has either that one person or group of people that hopefully you can count on. Like you said, you have your, your Bible study people. Um, you know, I, I grew up in a big family and like, you know, we, we keep in contact daily. I have like, we have a Snapchat group, um, literally of all my cousins and whatever from, you know, from, I don't know, like, what am I, what should I wear for this event? Or this is what I'm cooking for dinner. Um, do you guys have any ideas for dinner? Like there, like, I mean, there's, it's like a group of 10 of us. If one day, if one doesn't reply, either all 10 are replying or at least one is replying, you know, but you, you, you find that, um, finding the people that you can count on when these things hit or when something bad happens, um, you have that people to back you up, or, you know, I have my group of friends that I also have like a diff you know, like a texting group, and we're always texting, regardless, anytime it could be 1:00 AM, and I'm just like, I'm feeling homesick and, you know, and they're just comforting you. Speaker 3 00:30:46 Um, and it's finding, and it's not just finding the people, but it's, um, what's the word I'm looking for. It's noticing who those people are. Speaker 1 00:30:58 Right. And, and that would be a great exercise. If you know, you're going to be headed into a difficult situation, just a quick thought exercise on and the next 48 hours, who could I pick up the phone to, and then just give them a, just, just a heads up say, Hey, you know, I'm headed into a tough situation. Not, you know, you don't have to, you don't have to spell everything or go into it. Just something as simple as that headed into a tough situation, are you going to be available over the next 48 hours? If I just need to talk, I may be fine, but I'm just lining a couple of, of, uh, planning for that ahead of time. Uh, those, those plans prior proper, a proper, um, what does it prior proper preparation prevents poor performance. Yeah. It just kinda it'll engage and it will set you up for a better execution when it comes down. Speaker 1 00:31:52 And again, the majority of this audience that, of our audience and our members out there that were oriented on, uh, their family members who have stepped up and deal that they, um, either they've been appointed or they've been asked, or they feel the, the responsibility of a leadership position in this. Uh, and so there's, there's a lot that's got to get done so well, that was, um, those are great practical or great processing cycles. Then finding those words. And then again, in the dynamics of family grief and keeping room for those things and knowing where the different perspectives that family members come into this from the last thing I really want to work through in this week's podcast is some practical information about what to expect for those members that are into this the first time. And that happens, um, that happens particularly, I think because we are oriented on families that are in crisis, they've gotten that last second, weren't expecting it. Speaker 1 00:32:52 Um, and they're trying to work through that problem. And we look to simplify that problem. We look to, to verify and bring them verified solutions to that problem. And we look to ensure that their solutions are dignified, uh, in our simplified, verified and dignified model. The, um, those families tend to be engaging something in the first time. It's it? There's, there's something new. So, um, the F the first thing I want to talk, I was going to give a perspective of if they didn't have one before, is what a hospice, uh, or what that might look like. If you, you know, you're called you're on an airplane, or you're driving, you're heading out to the hospital. Um, hopefully some of the material we've covered already can help provide you, uh, those words are some things to think about so that you can come up with the things that are relevant and matte your own magical phrases in that moment to get through that moment. Speaker 1 00:33:48 Um, but what to expect when you're going to walk through the door to, and ma my hope is that that would help prepare you, uh, to, to, um, to engage into, to deal with what comes at you a little better. So I'll share in, in what to expect, um, and comfort or hospice in the industry today. Uh, oftentimes hospice is a, is a third place. So if you're at a hospital, maybe in your, an ICU or they've, they've got, they, they're in some other room, uh, where if oxygen's, if they're on oxygen or they're on machines or life support or other things, uh, they're going to be in one particular wing of the hospital. It's it's hospital ask. I mean, it is during, and they're in a gown it's usually kind of loud. Uh, there probably a visiting room and family members, oftentimes at this stage, when, when the hospitals, uh, they have protocols to handle this and to allow family to start cycling through, to say those goodbyes. Speaker 1 00:34:47 Uh, so, you know, don't even, even in this COVID environment, I mean, we just dealt with it last week. They have a, there is a process for this. So get their check in the hospital, we'll walk you through. They may only take a few people at a time, but there'll be a though they have plans and they have protocols that are there to help people say goodbye. Uh, and, and to, to work through even that situation, if hospice is an option, um, there, there's a couple of different ways that I've seen this carried out, and I'm sure there are more, uh, the first is, um, or I'll, I'll, it it'd be the remote and the most difficult one. And that would be that they get moved out of the building by ambulance to a hospice location. Um, sometimes that might be back to the house and a staff will meet there. Speaker 1 00:35:39 That's that specializes in doing that. Um, and in some cases they may be going to a, to a community, uh, that specializes in delivering that hospice. Uh, both, both of those situations are different. There are things that, uh, usually have been, the hospital knows how to do this. It's they will know how the transfer goes. They can walk you through those things. There's not a lot. You have to really understand other than, um, put yourself in a, in a mindset that you can listen carefully, but the hospital knows they're, they're realistic about the mind state, a state of mind that people are in when they're there. Uh, and it will kind of, it'll kind of just move on its own. It's a self-licking ice cream cone. It will roll going back to the house that that would be an exception to that. That would need to be something that's planned well, and the family would need to plan for that. Speaker 1 00:36:31 They'd need to know what company is going to come in. Typically the hospital will want to know what that plan is, and may not even release until they've heard that plan seen that plan. And they know that that is indeed in place. Um, they're going to need to know that that, that, that happens. They won't just turn them out and hope that the family got that right. Um, and so there, and oftentimes our staff that will assist in, uh, helping the family do that and arrange those things so lean on those resources there, the other direction that it can go, uh, is inside the hospital. They're, uh, comfort care, uh, is, uh, is kind of a transition of hospice, like care that can happen in the hospital, that that transition of care will begin, um, setting them up to, to transition or to pass away. Speaker 1 00:37:21 And that's a term that you may hear in the hospitals as a transition, uh, they'll um, uh, often, uh, clean, clean your loved one up, uh, they'll look to remove as many devices as possible and to calm the area. Oftentimes sometime in comfort care that might be done in the same environment. It's just a change of the purse, the skilled personnel that are coming through, um, you'll see religious personnel that will come in and out, they'll have a, uh, a pastor or a deacon or someone will, will come through and usually has some level of point with the family to walk you through the situation. And they'll start talking through things there's going to be, there's certain documentation that gets done, uh, for, for that. Um, you, you're going to, these are where you're going to start dealing with, uh, do not resuscitate orders. Uh, w I'm gonna say that one more time. Speaker 1 00:38:14 These, this is where, um, you would deal with those, do not resuscitate orders or power of attorneys, or if there's any outlying questions about how the transition's going to go, or who is making decisions on this. Once the patients crossed the threshold of being able to make decisions for themselves, which often will come if they've introduced IB or other things, to make them comfortable, someone else now is going to have to carry out their wishes and they'll want to know how that's done. Uh, so expect to see that happen. The other option that that I've seen. Uh, and I'll just, I just try to describe as best as possible. I'm clearly I'm not a doctor, uh, is an in-house, um, uh, is an in-house, uh, solution to hospice. We just saw this last week, uh, which was really quite amazing. Uh, they took us up to a specific floor that had, I want to say 10 beds, uh, food couches, the rooms, the entire family could be up in that area. Speaker 1 00:39:16 Everybody was made comfortable, uh, the ideas that people are up there and within a perspec, you know, uh, uh, prescribed period of time, the expectation is that person will transition within that period of time. Um, and so once the hospital believes that they're within that window, they'll bring them up there once that happened. I mean, it was listening to my aunt talk through her husband, um, you know, what that process looked like. It was his huge weight off of her huge weight off of her. Um, they took him, this is where, you know, in our situation he was taken off oxygen. It was, uh, you know, those final goodbyes, it was left for his body to do what his body could do. Uh, just cleaned up really well, um, put into clothes instead of just a gown, uh, you know, in a, in a shirt and, and, and just the dignity and the care to make it as comfortable as possible and to bring it as close to a living room or a home environment, uh, is, is just tremendous. Speaker 1 00:40:26 And, you know, I, I think in our family situation, it gave us that place to, uh, where he could, he could feel, uh, that he's not alone, uh, that everybody was going to be okay. Um, and that, uh, he wasn't going to feel any more pain and, you know, that's what they can help him transition peacefully. And that's, that's done by professionals. So those are, uh, what to expect if you hadn't been in. And you're wondering how that course plays out. It plays out from that until they pass away. Uh, and then, uh, after that, then you're going to move into this last step, which is really the first steps of, of a parent project, um, or, uh, of the mortuary affairs, the hassles that come with it. Um, and those are, uh, we look on if you've got point on a project at that time, uh, there are, there are three ways I've labeled it out. Speaker 1 00:41:24 Uh, number one, stabilize those that are impacted. Uh, so the surviving family member make sure they're good, they're taking care of themselves. Everyone's eating as best as possible. It's natural for people not to be hungry, but, you know, get them an unsure, um, you know, pay attention to what their diet, what their medication regimen is. If you weren't aware of it, check in no, what that rigid. Somebody needs to check off of that and ensure that they're keeping up for those things. You know, if they're on oxygen support or other things ensure they've got the battery packs charged and, and they've got that nimbleness in that flexibility to, to be where they want to be or feel that they need to be throughout that time, that's a great way to support, but stabilize the impacted, uh, and the surviving spouse, uh, as best as possible. Speaker 1 00:42:10 Uh, and the other family member, you then move into the funeral in the mortuary affairs. Uh, this is, um, often if, if, if a mortuary hadn't been selected upfront, uh, the hospital will help and can address and get you pointed into the, into some options and some choices, they are amazingly talented at that point in time to take you through, uh, really all of the steps that will go until the burial is complete. And that will include assisting in getting military honors set up and all those other little things that seem like it's just so unobtainium to get in front of the walkthrough. Those, uh, they'll walk you through those steps, they'll have the checklist they'll, uh, and they're just, they're trained really well to, um, to get you moving. So just note that you don't have to think through 5,000 steps off of that, it's important to know that if something was pre-planned or there were wishes, make sure this is the time to bring those to the forefront, right? Speaker 1 00:43:15 Those are the times to think about, write those things down, have them front of mind, uh, so that you can communicate and share those with the, um, with the mortuary as you're making those final arrangements. And then the, the, the transition we'll then move into, um, usually in the, in the day or a couple of days after the legal and the financial first steps of the survivors, um, how are, how, what, and this is where I might actually do a quick assessment of those ADL's activities of daily living, um, for the surviving spouse, a surviving spouse, what's their capability of taking care of themselves, and they do they know how to write checks. Um, are they on, you know, do they write checks? Are they shared on the checking account that does that? How does money flow? How does it work through you don't have to solve everything in the first 48 hours. Speaker 1 00:44:10 You've got a bit of time, but you generally need to understand there's going to be a swell of food and, and conversation and company. And those things are there for a limited period of time before that goes subsides and, and moves away. And, and when that comes out, that void, uh, you need to know that that's a soft landing spot them, uh, and you, you have a good understanding and where it's going to go. Um, from the legal standpoint again, and, and financial things just ensuring they have the necessities of life. They begin processing the grief of that. Honestly, I, it does not. I have, I have yet to see a senior move project and some were in the works and being planned when we actually, when we lost one of the spouses at that point in time, in all cases, we took a knee on the move, uh, because it was, it was an impact. Speaker 1 00:45:06 It was a change. And everyone related to current landlords and the real estate transact, like everything, everybody understood, everybody generally always understands this. This is, uh, that time to lean on that favor and just make sure you communicate what has happened and what's going on. Um, and, and then come back around. That's a big enough change that you would want to, you would want to revisit what the plan was before, if it wasn't part of the plan for them to do it on their own, that needs to become a part of the plan. And that may be a reset of some work that's been done. Again, don't be afraid of doing that. Uh, and it's important to, to think through that, Speaker 3 00:45:55 Um, question on, on, on, on this particular subject, Tony, um, we talked about like the stabilizing, the impacted, and like, you know, funeral, you know, affairs and legal, like, and you did mention about, you know, making sure that, that the impacted are taken care of and stuff who, who normally does this, like, you know, for example, like, um, you know, in your situation, you know, you have, you know, your, your aunt's husband, he's passing, like who's normally steps up for that, you know, like who, who would be that person? Um, cause I know in my situation it was a little bit more different because we knew, you know, that my grandma was gonna, you know, slowly and we were gonna reach that day. So all of our funeral arrangements, we made them like nine months before the, you know, she actually passed, felt super weird, but like, you know, it was something that we needed to do. And it helped tremendously when this day came. Um, I really took point on, on everything just because that's just the person that I am though. You know, like I'm, I'm a, I'm a planner. Yeah. Like, you know, um, but when these families are going through that, like who typically does this, you know, who should be stepping up or, or is it okay for me to ask them like, Hey, can you take care of this? Like, I really don't have the mindset for that. Speaker 1 00:47:25 Yeah. It's a great question. It's going to vary from, obviously it's obviously going to vary from family to family. Here are some observations that I might throw, um, into your, the thought process. Uh, those that stepped forward finding a role for them to assist in is great. If it can happen, it will, it will help their grieving process. There's a reason they're stepping forward. Uh they've they felt that there's something compelling to do that. And if you can find a way for each person that does step forward for them to take a, an active lead on something, by all means, this is a time to lean forward and trust that there, there could be more good out of that if possible. Um, now there are dynamics that, that, you know, you, you're trying to insulate, you're trying to keep this from becoming a problem. Um, one of the big things we talk through is, uh, this is not, which should go without saying, but there are many family issues that this isn't the time to solve those or to work through those. Speaker 1 00:48:28 But again, life, once you get past, you know, you get into an understanding that, uh, it's in someone else's hands, you're really moving moment to moment. So as you're moving moment to moment, here's some skillsets at work for older, uh, w we're you know, above 70, 75 plus generally I see that, uh, they respond well. A surviving spouse will respond well to, um, to the oldest daughter or to the women in their family, around the emotional segment, the emotional, um, things that need to be done. And they will look to male role models in their family or other male members to step up and execution of things. Um, there it's something that settles them and that tends to be something generationally for them that sets in that might not be the way that your family typically works or goes through. But if you're really operating this time, thinking about the other person and not where you're at, and you're trying to make them as comfortable as possible in their environment, I think that's an important perspective to think through that's their expectation that will clearly shift by the way in 40 years, as I think this generation as our generations continue to get, uh, as we age. Speaker 1 00:49:49 But, uh, but that's something that's important. Um, there will be, uh, you know, in our situ and actually in each situation, there's an executor that typically the surviving spouse knows who the executor is going to be. If the family doesn't know who that is, uh, by this time, if it was a surprise, uh, you know, asking the surviving spouse who the executor is going to be, that will, if that person is able to start taking leadership earlier than later, um, even if they're coordinating other folks to do things, it will make things easier. It tends to make things easier down the line, um, as they're working through the rest of the state management. Um, and, uh, but, but, uh, there's, uh, a wealth of experience to come from everyone. Uh, again, I think the important part is, uh, the empathy when you were having your head on a swivel and trying to check in to some other people and how they're coming about it, a sibling to your right, that maybe you're in a frustrating time with, or have not been getting along with. I think even, I think even the family member who's experienced that over the last 10 or 15 years can see the benefit and that person processing their grief is, uh, humanely and effectively as possible. Like there's a benefit to that. So find a way for them to be able to process that it will, it will behoove you and the situation you're trying to calm as well. Did that answer your question? Speaker 3 00:51:21 Yeah. I mean, it's it, I mean, it typically would be, you know, like, uh, surviving, you know, like, you know, daughter or son or, um, but it's okay to ask someone if you're not in that mindset, because I think a lot of people really saw the majority of the people in my experiences when it comes to death and families and stuff like that, they feel that burden that it has to be them like, okay, I need to, but you know, it doesn't, you know, like you need to process your grief and you need to, and it's okay for you to be like, Hey, can you handle this from me please? Like, I really don't have the mindset and I really just do this. And, and this comes from me, you know, when I was working, um, back in Oregon, uh, at St. Alice, um, at the church, you know, and we had a lot of funerals. Speaker 3 00:52:12 It's like, it was always, I seen post families like, okay, I have to be in there, I have to plan, but they're really not mentally like, okay at all. And, and just letting them know like, Hey, it's okay for why don't you do this while we go through the process of what, um, the flowers are going to look like, or whatever this is going to look like, you know? Um, you know, it's okay for you to delegate these other things to other people because you can't, I mean, you're in, I mean, you're, you're in a state of mind that you just suddenly slip away. Speaker 1 00:52:49 I absolutely lean on, um, take refuge and lean on those people that go through this often and are maybe not as emotionally, um, you know, impacted from that. You know, if there's a family member that has that ability to run these things to ground or the complicated situations, uh, by all means, you know, taking advantage of that would help or the church or the mortuary right there, really the mortuary phenomenal resource, phenomenal resource, um, to, to anybody. And you're gonna have your 9.8 times Speaker 3 00:53:26 Out of 10. No. I mean, honestly at the gate, it is just the community, even the church, even when I was working at St. Alice, like we had just more communication with the, with the funeral home and the merchant, because they already, they don't need to do it twice. Right. Right. You know, so like, they're either going to go talk to, to, to the funeral home. And we just connected with the funeral home and they gave us all the information that we needed. Yeah. We still met with the family, um, to get like, you know, certain items, but there's certain things that they don't really have to talk about twice. Um, it's totally an emotional state Speaker 1 00:54:01 Very much so. Well, that's it for the senior moves team this week. And thanks for joining us. If you've enjoyed the content, remember to subscribe to this podcast on your app that you're using right. This minute, we viewed our comments and help us help you by expanding our reach and our perspective. So if you have time, please drop us a note, tell us how we're doing for more tips and tools and how to get your parent project moving while maintaining dignity and downsizing. You can find us on YouTube. You can follow us on Facebook and Instagram and join [email protected]. Again, thank you for joining us this week and we'll catch you next Thursday. Speaker 0 00:54:39 Thank you for listening to this senior moves podcast production to access our show notes, resources or forums go to senior moves.org. This show is for entertainment purposes only before making any decisions consult a professional. 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